Princess Long Legs

Princess Long Legs 2.0

2011-08-27T23:48:00.001+08:00

http://princesslonglegs.blogspot.com/

What a blog should be.

2011-06-08T23:28:00.000+08:00

I came across this blog and it's everything I wish my blog could be - food, photography, travel and life in general... and a owner who likes to take pictures of her own pretty self is always a bonus...

http://www.storyofbing.com/

She also had this quote in her profile that said, "Start doing things that you love, stop over-analyzing. Life is simple"

Is it really? Perhaps so... maybe I just haven't developed the fore/hind-sight to realize that? Over-analyzing makes me fickle and then I procrastinate.

Though I've been blogging on and off for years, my blog has always been self-centric - it's not about readership, because I know only people who know me personally will be interested to read my blog. It's somehow like a peephole into my private world, possibly things I won't tell my mum or I have trouble expressing to my BFF, but I choose to expose in this blog, things I find hard to verbalize to a real friend - I post here. It's not unlike gossiping with a close gf in a public toilet (like many girls do), usually a way to clear our head of thoughts that are all jumbled-up, but also risking these private thought being overheard by someone... We can't control who is in the next toilet cubicle, like we can't control who reads our blog in the vast cyber universe.

But as I get older, I'd like to think I have less angst, less things to rant about... yet no less things on my mind. In fact, I agreed with a colleague who was turning 30, that our memory seems to be declining - sometimes unable to recall a mental note to self made 30 seconds ago. I want to blame it on work stress, too much work info taking up bandwidth in my grey matter, but it could really just be age, no? So the blog will serve as a space I exercise... train my wit, my creative writing skills, an avenue for me to post pictures that I've taken (hopefully), but basically one place I can use my brain on creative work outside of my real work.

Someone I know wanted to use his blog as an outlet for the side of his brain he can't use much at work, for me I guess, my blog is just a place for me to remind myself, that side of my brain still exists.

And one day when I have some time, I really want to revamp this blog... the dark colors are starting to look dreary.

2010-11-15T00:39:00.000+08:00

the blog has moved...

to girletheart.blogspot.com!!

if there's such a thing...

2010-08-18T18:28:00.002+08:00

as being passionate for passion, I think I can be the poster child.

I find myself restless again, it's been 2 years and 9 months in this job... 1 year and 3 months in this marriage... 6 months in this house...

And I find myself thinking, there MUST be more than this... and to it, I hear no answers... just echoes repeating in agreement.

Life was more fulfilling when I was earning less, when I went on mission trips instead of holidays, when I had less programs and more problems, and now... I have a job, a husband, a house and I still find myself seeking... "a void that God will fill if I ask" I hear that model answer surfacing in my head.

IF I ask. I prayed and asked Him what more is there, why others has more prayers answered than me. He replied because they have more prayer needs than you. So is fulfillment a blessing? Or a curse? I don't know.

But life is about to change. New job and hopefully new plans... New things excite me, I like things that are new, is that right? I don't really care. I want a new blog, new photos, new books, most of all... new inspirations... not something that's passed down and second-hand, or something imitated and adapted... No... something original, something inspiring, something that is heard without having to shout.

I found this when looking for CS Lewis quotes online, and it got me... so here,

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

Iron sharpens iron - TED.com

2010-07-03T11:18:00.002+08:00

I heard about TED.com during a training at work that I just attended, the refreshing idea of an annual conference by a NPO as a platform for sharing ideas on Technology (T), Entertainment (E) and Design (D) lured me to check out the website and after my first visit, I'm intrigued!

The first clip I found happens to be a 20-minute talk on Creativity by Elizabeth Gilbert, writer of Eat Pray Love, a book I am reading (and struggling to finish). Her beliefs in both the book and this speech sometimes hints of controversial New Age - not something that goes down well the churchie conservative in me, but I can't help but see parallels between the "inspiration" moments she describes as "genius" from an external source (an idea from ancient Greek/Roman paganism) instead of the ability/competence of the human writer/artist/artisan. Therefore no need for the creative worker to go through the stress that will more often than not suck them down the dark whirlpool of self-destruction and manic depression out of fear that a work will not turn out to be as brilliant as it should. The naming of that "moment of genius" as a "glimpse of God" and feeling like being a channel through which divinity has communed with man - lit a lightbulb in my head.

In the book, Liz has her moments of brilliance, and the simplicity of her spirit is what attracts people to read and identify with her work. Some parts bore me to tears but others grab my attention for a pretty long time after I've put the book down.

Anyway this post is not about Elizabeth Gilbert totally, but what a great source TED could be, and I regret not knowing it earlier but a platform where "iron sharpens iron".

World's Greenest Homes: Part 1

2010-05-08T16:11:00.000+08:00

I have to admit I do not qualify as a tree-hugger. I like to drive, I like cars (some find that arguable), I used air-conditioning and I work for an Oil & Gas-related organization.

But I've always liked nature - well, the likeable side of it. Have I mentioned I love visiting farms and forests? My grandparents owned a fish-farm in Bukit Panjang when I was young. I've never actually stayed there before but weekends were spent running around the ponds with my cousins, chasing dragonflies and rolling around the carpet-grass lawn. There were lime trees, rambutan trees, durian trees around the house. I remember the vivid colors of bright fuchsia bougainvillea, crimson and yellow hibiscus and the fragrance of the lime blossoms. The old zinc-roofed house has since been replaced by towering public housing now. No trace of the old kampungs can be found, safe for that grey Singtel building (used to be Telecom) along Woodlands road. In the same Bukit Pankang vicinity, was the previous site of my secondary school, Bt Panjang Govt High... I spent 3 years in that old campus, while students from most other school did their 2.4 click runs in 6 rounds of the usual boring 400m brick-colored, we did ours in a old mudtrack that runs along the Bukit Panjang canal, kingfishers were frequently spotted sitting on the railing - it's why I loved spotting them so much, even now, their striking blue plume are really hard to miss, the irony is people usually don't see them, because they never look out for such things.

But, I have digressed enough. I just caught an episode of World's Greenest House on Discovery Travel & Living, showcasing eco-friendly houses around the globe. Interior design is something that stays relevant especially since we have just redecorated and moved into our new home. We've to admit that the minimal design and renovation was done in strict limitation of time and budget. I wished I had ideas about what I want in my house before I started looking for one.

In the episode I watched, a couple in NYC spent 2 years renovating a 3-storey 3,600 square-feet house they bought, because they undertook the work themselves - demolishing the walls, clearing the mould from the ceiling, all the time insisting on using only recycled, eco-friendly materials and installations. Incidentally, I am falling in love with the idea of bamboo flooring and furniture (not rattan tho), they are the fast self-replenishing material that can replace wood - wikipedia writes that bamboo plants are known to grow 24cm daily, I heard on the program that it grows 18cm. The best part is, they look GOOD.

So I just wanted to share this, while the memory is fresh. I have the habit of reading my old blog entries and reminisce, so I'm leaving this here, for me to come back to later, hopefully when I have another house to renovate :)

Marriage, House & Kids...

2010-04-06T21:59:00.001+08:00

We've finally settled into our new home. Though there are still pieces of furniture and fittings still missing, we're taking our time and it's been nearly 2 months since we've moved in. Finally, a place to call our own. It also means for us a whole load of new responsibilities be it lifestyle and financial. On Saturdays, we can't just dash out to blade and swim as we wish, it's housework day - for vacuuming, mopping and laundry. After discussion and much coercion from friends & family, I am almost sure we will eventually succumb to hiring a part-time helper to help with the domestic chores, to spare ourselves the misery of toilet-washing and ironing, and of course to free up our precious weekends to pursue the finer and fun-ner things in life. But even so, I am still proud to have managed at least our first 2 months on our own, so now we know every nook & cranny in our house, where to place the laundry on a rainy day and how many machine loads it takes to clear our weekly laundry, so I know that if and when we are needed to handle our own housework, I can confidently say "Been there, Done that." That's good enough for me.

So now that we've moved in, it's also an appropriate time to count our blessings. We have come quite far, KT & me. From the initial proposal, to the almost dissolution of engagement, then the delay of wedding plans until finally tying the knot on 2 May 2009. I wouldn't call the journey dramatic, but it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that it's been eventful & at certain points, unexpected.

Expected though, are the very predictable standard questions almost every married couple get a few months after marriage - when is the factory going to start production? - What are we to answer? Errrr... we are waiting for funding? Pending approval from top management? We have long term plans and short term target is firstly to have a healthy balance sheet? I'm running out of creative answers to skirt such questions humorously, tempted more than once to just give a "meh" face and walk away. The question "so what can we expect little KTs & HJs?" rings like fingernails against blackboard... MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!!

I've been trying to get started on this book - Eat, Pray, Love - by Elizabeth Gilbert (www.elizabethgilbert.com/eatpraylove.htm). (disclaimer: her views does not 100% reflect mine) I find the thoughts about having a baby not unfamiliar.

An excerpt:
"But I was supposed to want to have a baby. I was thirty-one years old. My husband and I —who had been together for eight years, married for six — had built our entire life around the common expectation that, after passing the doddering old age of thirty, I would want to settle down and have children(...)

But I didn’t — as I was appalled to be finding out — want any of these things. Instead, as my twenties had come to a close, that deadline of THIRTY had loomed over me like a death sentence, and I discovered that I did not want to be pregnant. I kept waiting to want to have a baby, but it didn’t happen. And I know what it feels like to want something, believe me. I well know what desire feels like. But it wasn’t there. Moreover, I couldn’t stop thinking about what my sister had said to me once, as she was breast-feeding her firstborn: “Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it’s what you want before you commit.”... And every month when I got my period I would find myself whispering furtively in the bathroom: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me one more month to live ...

I’d been attempting to convince myself that this was normal. All women must feel this way when they’re trying to get pregnant, I’d decided. (“Ambivalent” was the word I used, avoiding the much more accurate description: “utterly consumed with dread.”) I was trying to convince myself that my feelings were customary, despite all evidence to the contrary — such as the acquaintance I’d run into last week who’d just discovered that she was pregnant for the first time, after spending two years and a king’s ransom in fertility treatments. She was ecstatic. She had wanted to be a mother forever, she told me. She admitted she’d been secretly buying baby clothes for years and hiding them under the bed, where her husband wouldn’t find them. I saw the joy in her face and I recognized it. This was the exact joy my own face had radiated last spring, the day I discovered that the magazine I worked for was going to send me on assignment to New Zealand, to write an article about the search for giant squid. And I thought, “Until I can feel as ecstatic about having a baby as I felt about going to New Zealand to search for a giant squid, I cannot have a baby.”"

Again, I must reiterate this does not entirely reflect on how I feel, although I can personally identify with many points brought up in those paragraphs.

1. Being expected to want a child -
Once someone gets married and approaches or passes the age of 30, the question comes "so are you planning for a child?" People start looking at me all worried when I reply we're not sure if we want one, EVER. I wonder what their reaction will be if I say, "well maybe we should try for one, but if we regret having it, can we pass it to u?"

2. Men seems always more ready to have children than women -
I'm not saying my man thinks having a baby is an easy thing, but it is undeniably simpler to say "OK Let's have one" when you're not the one walking around looking like a bloated hippo who won't be able to see her own toes for the next 10 months AT LEAST, and still have to deal with preggy fats 2 years after labour.

3. Unless one is ECSTATIC & sure about having a baby, perhaps one is not ready yet -
I was telling KT yesterday, having a baby is scary for commitment-phobics like me, kinda like getting married multiplied by 100 cos we can't divorce a child when they turn into our worst nightmare. The opposite extreme of walking out on a monster kid, is to become so blind to their misbehavior, even their incessant tantrums are simply "their special way of expressing themselves". I mean, I see parents look at their mad screaming brats with adoring eyes and pray to God to strike me dead if I ever become so blind, but again, I digress. (My mum has taught me from young, NEVER EVER to say things like "my kid will never be as naughty as that brat". She must have been made to eat those words)

So... returning to the topic of whether we want children, here are my thoughts:
Children complete the family. If marriage is the union of 2 individuals, children qualify as the fruit of that union, embodying a combination of 2 persons' unique physical and personality traits in 1 person. If that's not amazing, I don't know what is.

Children are a HHHHUUUUUGGGGEEEE commitment/responsibility/obligation/burden/leh-cheh. This needs no further explanation and by now I am sure many people are clicking on the comments button to give me a piece of their mind.

But that said, it is a burden we willingly carry out of love and it is one that will hopefully bring out in us a better person. A burden shared by 2 people in love, to add a few more persons into the equation, more to share the love with.

Moving into the new house has been already a brand new learning experience for us. From arguing about personal space to nagging each other to do their share of the housework, from managing expectations about pet peeves to synchronizing bedtimes, it has been nothing less than a challenge on our patience. And this somewhat trying time has opened my eyes to a new lesson on our relationship, how to literally Give & Take. It's not about maintaining the house the way I like it, it's about respecting that his method can work as well and it doesn't matter all that much that the handtowel is in the wrong place in the kitchen as long as he is happy. Cooking for the spouse does not count as being part of the housework, because it is optional and additional and hardly qualifies as an act of love if he/she is the one made to clean up afterwards, helping to mop the floor with her is a much more effective way of showing affection.

If even managing a space between the two of us can bring about so much contention, what more bringing up a living breathing child? Unless we have learnt to live together in 1 house, how can we bring up a third or fourth or fifth one in this house?

So perhaps I (and all those who asked the questions) have to be contented with this for the moment, do we think married couples should have children? Absolutely. But will we? Possibly. But for the moment, let's start on keeping the house and the marriage in shape.

Sacrifice

2010-03-06T22:28:00.006+08:00

Recently I keep coming across a recurring message... that love is defined by the act of sacrifice. Sacrifice is a by-product and in some ways proof of existence of love.

When romance first blossoms, small sacrifices are made usually unconsciously. Sacrificing sleep chatting on the phone till wee hours, losing time with friends just to stare into each other's eyes under the stars... even sacrificing many dollars on taxi rides just to travel to some obscure corner of the island for dates.

And then things develop to a stage where more commitment is required. We choose to date exclusively and thereby sacrificing potential opportunities to date other people. As a relationship develops, the need for commitment increases, along with this, more sacrifice. Soon it becomes conscious effort, a conscious choice - we are faced with many situations where we have to ask ourselves "his benefits or mine?", "his interests or mine? and "his happiness or mine?"

Anyone who says they have never felt the pinch of sacrifice in a relationship has either never made any sacrifices or is just a saint who loves selflessly. No one is selfless, that's what makes us human, our awareness of self; the survival instinct to guard our own interest lies at the very heard of our mortal being.

But the pain begins when the sacrifices we make goes un-noticed, do we then decide to publicise and make known our efforts, or let it go un-noticed? What do we do when we realise we keep giving and the other party is either unappreciative or unaware? Do we still keep on giving out of love, or do we stop giving so they will realize their loss? Which is the bigger thing to do? To attend to his needs, even tho he doesn't know or to take care of my own needs, before I lose my self consciousness?

moving...

2010-02-08T12:58:00.002+08:00

been too busy to do much recently. Work has been exceptionally demanding. But thank God the house is 99% ready and we're moving in this Thu, into a bare house with a few basic pieces of furniture no doubt, but a place to call our own.

But as much as I am looking forward to moving out, I can't help but feel a hint of sadness when I was packing last night. What would be on my parents' mind the first night I move out, seeing my wardrobe & bedroom empty bla bla bla... gosh, I really have to stop myself from being emo. Such an Emo-junkie am I... Urgh

Soul precious

2009-12-17T12:46:00.003+08:00

“We unaccustomed to courage

exiles from delight

live coiled in shells of loneliness

Until love leaves its high holy temple

and comes into our sight,

to liberate us into life.

Love arrives

and in its train come ecstasies

old memories of pleasure

ancient histories of pain.

Yet if we are bold

love strikes away the chains of fear

from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity

in the flush of love’s light.

We dare be brave

and suddenly we see

that love costs all we are

and will ever be.

Yet it is only love

which sets us free.”

Touched by an Angel - Maya Angelou

I read this poem here - http://thecomposer2009.wordpress.com/. Am in the mailing list of Sistic & Esplanade but somehow never knew that this is staging NOW, until Sunday. Might go watch, if I have time, that is.

I've never been into poetry, but then again there are a lot of things that I grew to like after I dig deeper into - music, photography, theatre.

I acknowledge my interest for such arts (pastimes? passions? interests? hobbies?) is kinda like what my friend Jom calls the "new toiletbowl" syndrome. Like a kid's obsession with a new toy, until something newer comes along. But what I love is the discovery of such arts, and more so the passions of the artists - toiling in their obsessions, tortured and pleasured at the same time.

Like the fact that I know I'll never be as good a photographer as professionals, or even other hobbyists I know, but I still like appreciating photography - the art of light, and to know that what makes me different from a soul-less being, is the ability to appreciate these uniquely humane expressions, that I have a soul that connects with such beauty in the form of light, of sound and of emotions. Life is beautiful, so is our soul... but so often people are too afraid to be in touch with their own souls, and in the process of that killing the soul, lose their lives too... they cease to live... and begin to only exist...

The one that made me cry abit

2009-11-18T22:52:00.001+08:00

Without me realizing it, a few years has passed since I first started blogging. From a platform where I write to express my feelings, it has evolved to also become a record of my thoughts at any particular time in my life. I find myself reading my posts from years ago and revisiting my experiences and emotional journeys at the time of those posts.

I quote this extract from “Disappointment with God” by Philip Yancey, because I want to be able to re-read this post years later and recall how I teared when I read this on my flight during my business trip to Bangkok…

“ “Suppose there was a king who loved a humble maiden.” Begins a story by Kierkegaard.

The king was like no other king. Every statesman trembled before his power. No one dared breathe a word against him, for he had the strength to crush all opponents. And yet this mighty king was melted by love for a humble maiden.

How could he declare his love for her? In an odd sort of way, his very kingliness tied his hands. If he brought her to the palace and crowned her head with jewels and clothed her body with royal robes, she would surely not resist – no one dared resist him. But would she love him?

She would say she loved him of course, but would she truly? Or would she live with him in fear, nursing a private grief for the life she left behind. Would she be happy at his side? How could he know?

If he rode to her forest cottage in a royal carriage, with an armed escort waving bright banners, that too would overwhelm her. He did not want a cringing subject. He wanted a lover, an equal. He wanted her to forget that he was a king and to let shared love cross over the gulf between them.

“For it is only in love that the unequal can be made equal,” concluded Kierkegaard. The king, convinced that he could not elevate the maiden without crushing her freedom, resolved to descend… he renounced the throne to win her hand.”

Like I said, I teared when I read this. In modern day Singapore context, I’d expect this maiden to be from the heartlands of Choa Chu Kang, frequently dressed in t-shirt & maybe FBT shorts, with hardly ever any makeup and definitely no Louis Vuitton, Coach or even Aldo in her wardrobe, who enjoys her meals at the local hawker centre and doesn’t know her dessert spoon from her soup spoon. I try to think of a guy who’s well-educated, perhaps a CPA or CFA, or someone holding a PHD in Financial Engineering – would such a man fall for Heartland girl? Unlikely, but that is exactly the kind of love depicted in that excerpt. It is not only the love of the king that disregards the difference in status, but that he would give his all for the love of the humble maiden. Imagining a love like this, I can’t help but be touched.

La Vie En Rose

2009-11-05T00:10:00.004+08:00

Translated: Life through rose-tinted glasses

There's a new couple in my social circle, 2 dear friends very close to my heart, have after much prayer and waiting, decided to date each other. I am really happy for them, not only because they are so happy together now, but also because they have chosen to wait and seek God before they got together, a whole 2 months (or was it 3?). They did something that I desired but never had the resolve to. So my dear diabetic duo, I wish you 2 happiness and I am assured that no matter how things turn out, God will lead your paths :)

At the other end of the "happiness" spectrum, there's been quite a few troubled souls close to me in the past 2-3 months. One of them broke up with her first boyfriend in almost 30 years of her life. During our many conversations over MSN, lunch, dinner and coffee, L's always insisted that she pursues a simple kind of love with someone who loves travelling and animals like she does, has a decently stable career and is financially independent enough to support her and of course loves her. Not really tough demands I think, tho the problem is how she always gets more impressed by the bad boys, those with a bit more character, and tongues a little too glib for their own good. I recall a particular conversation like this (vaguely) -

L: I just want a simple romance now, not going to think about marriage or anything long-term or complicated. Just simply want to be with him.
Me: But isn't the simplest of romances those that set out to be with each other, with marriage as the ultimate goal? If marriage is unforeseeable, I think it makes things more complicated, not simpler...
L: Hmm... maybe...

To cut the story short, hers was a short-lived relationship. One in which 2 people met and fell for each other really quickly, and broke up just as quickly. Today, for the first time since her breakup 2 months ago, she admitted she realized how naive she had been. Before today, she had always maintained that it was love and she merely met him at the wrong place at the wrong time. I didn't probe what she felt she was naive about...

Because by then, I was reminded of myself in a previous relationship, one in which I rushed to fall into because I was available and so was he. Ignoring everything I've been taught about observing and waiting, we started dating. It was only after we broke up after 8-9 months, did I come to realize how little I knew him, but that wasn't the surprise. The real revelation that made me realize my mistake was how much I had deluded myself into trusting a guy I hardly knew. How I could, in order to fulfill my wanting for a boyfriend/partner, enter a committed relationship and believe that this man loves me, and will morph into the man of my dreams, even tho we don't really know each other.

The rest became history of course, and I only took a couple of weeks to get over him cos I knew immediately when he broke up with me over SMS, how much I meant to him, obviously much less than I thought.

I have been criticized more than a few times to remove my rose-tinted glasses and take a good look at the real world. I don't even know if the tinted-glasses are still on now, I suppose it's something we never know. But I know I believe that true love can be found, but only if the seeker believes in it with eyes wide open and a decent level of self-control. Is holding such beliefs naivety ala La Vie En Rose? Or is this simple logic that keeps us sane? Who's to say?

Who is the one with the rose-tinted glasses then? She who goes around indulging in romances and "live for the moment", hoping to land eventually with the Destined One? Or she who waits around for true love?

A love a lifetime (Part I)

2009-09-15T22:31:00.003+08:00

Over beer and dinner the other night with the girls from the office, conversation meandered to the topic of love (predictable huh? bunch of girls can't possibly be talking about which engine's better turbo or NA right?).

T, who's been married for 2 years now, expressed that she's a hardcore cynic when it comes to the idea of "forever love", that it is possible for romantic love to be present at all times in a marriage. Her viewpoint was seconded by K, who was due to be married in a few months.

As I gathered my courage to sum up a rebuttal that on retrospect seems to border on naivety, I could only make my case that bit more solid by citing my personal experience as an observer in my parents' marriage - at no point have I ever noticed the absence of romantic love. In response to my opinion, K & T acknowledged that their parents too now hold hands and "lovey-dovey", but T explained her theory that as children are added to the equation of marriage, the feelings and attachment shared between the couple mutate to something that resembles more of obligation and kinship, particularly from the birth of the child until his/her teens, and then into something more of companionship... I did not probe further whether it could simply the nature of love that has changed, but love exists, only in a different form?

Listening best... when there's nothing said at all.

2009-08-10T22:29:00.004+08:00

If there is anyone I am uncomfortable with, it is a person who likes leaving things unsaid. From a (fortunate?) series of events, I had the serendipity to finally realize why they do that - to avoid making a difficult decision, to leave room for future discussion, to enjoy a few more moments of peace, to wait for the answers that have yet come to mind, or simply to allow space for mystery, imagination and interpretation.

In one of our recent heated discussions, KT voiced loudly his frustrations at how I challenge his decisions and actions with "why". I then realized the question "why" has been such a common question I use, that it just comes as natural and as reasonable as rain or sun. "why" WAS my way of understanding the thought process of the other party, not "when" - for it is only a matter of time, not "what" - for that is the simplest to know, but "why" - my mind's been trained to use this key to open the mind of the other party, so that I not only understand the reason this time, but also learn to infer, imply and more confidently predict future behavior. If asked what my strength is, it is this - I have confidence in my ability to lead people once I've had enough time to spend with them to know what makes them tick.

But I used and caps the word "WAS" because that reason has since mutated. On the path to search for answers and understand the psychology of people, pride crept in. Unwittingly, I grew less respectful of one important right of every human being - individuality and personal space. I was failing to see that my measure of right and wrong, good and bad is not one that is or should be accepted by everyone. "why" has become my tool to condemn them, should they fail on my "ruler of right and wrong".

Just because I measure my own actions, behaviors and decisions in a certain way, doesn't mean others must follow my measurement standards. That there are indeed some who will not want to stand on this measure I lay out, who will not argue with me its correctness and acceptability, but will simply leave it (and me) in the cold - simply because they are not interested in this "correctness".

I then recall a phrase I learnt from a dear friend, that "being kind is more important than being right". What good is it, to ultimately know what's on a person's mind, but sacrifice the sincerity of the relationship?

More than one male friend have confessed their reluctant surrender to how "I manage to dig the answers out of (them) if it's something I'm bent on finding out". How do I do it? I think it's because I coax with logic - men relate to logic much better than women. Manipulative? I wouldn't think so, I do not use that information against them, if anything, it only serves to my private little piggybank of "mysteries solved". This method doesn't work as well on women, who follow their hearts, not logic. If the "nakedness" of exposing their thoughts to me makes them uncomfortable, they just shut me out, regardless whether what I ask makes sense or not.

Is this judging, condemning conviction-craved maniac who I want to be? No... not when it's been brought to such maniacal extremes, that I no longer listen with my heart, but only with my ears and my mind. That instead of seeking to understand, accept and love, I am not seeking to judge. When I decide arrogantly to ignore the "unspoken" answers that scream in my face, because "I will make them tell this to me with their lips".

Finally (thank GOD!) I admit defeat to my conscience and the still small voice, there is no use in forcing an answer and forever lose something so precious as a confidante, a friend, a soulmate. Respecting that things must take its time will reveal more about the person, that instant "why" answers will ever tell me. Patience in waiting, like for the proverbial metamorphosis of a cocoon so that one can behold the intricate beauty of a creature like the butterfly. Instant gratification does nothing, but satisfy and breeds more pride and hunger for knowledge in the head, but wilting of the soul.

Who can understand the almost wrenching feeling of loss when I began to realize the relations between this growing craving for knowledge has corresponded with the diminishing of my faith in fairytales, in miracles, in the value of romances that end in tragedy, to believe God can make all things right again, despite the mess we created for our own lives, to truthfully believe that friends remain special, no matter who they date or marry?

I am not sure if I can regain this faith, to correct the short-sightedness of my soul and spirit - because I want to, God-willing. Or is this simply something inescapable - a natural phase of growing older, growing up, eyes that saw that little light gets blinded as the darkness seems to be growing, even like it's here to stay and triumph, and my only hope if at all is only in the afterlife?

If it must happen, I am going to keep postponing it, by renewing my innocence, my child-like faith, as long as I can, according to His will. God is teaching me a lesson now, I know, to soften my heart. The tears I have cried in the past few months have not softened it, but hardened it - it's the wrong kind of tears, for the wrong reasons, but definitely the wrong reaction, when I should not do anything but to pray for them, rejoice with them and leave them in the hands of God - for even my own life is in His hands - who am I to weep for any love but His?

I think this is new... love the lyrics... so me! hehe

2009-07-30T14:27:00.001+08:00

我不够认份所以怕再为谁作出牺牲
爱要有天份所以我始终学不会放任
我不够天真不允许我傻傻的等
对自己残忍多残忍我要有分寸
我太过认真所以才相信所谓的永恒
爱让人慌神所以止不住不小心沉沦
我太负责任不允许有太多悔恨
对自己坦诚多坦诚我自有分寸
我只是无辜的人很需要叹气声
有一些文字的吻只留给伤过的人
明知道有些问题没有答案还是要问
原谅我因为我就是这样的女生

Uber-emo

2009-07-30T14:24:00.000+08:00

Deja vu

2009-07-29T11:35:00.004+08:00

I was chatting with a galfren ytd, about r/s we choose for ourselves are like taking unexplored paths - we take it without knowing where it brings us.

Then today I read this:

Saturday, January 26, 2008
Its Better To Have Loved

As I sit here, reviewing the 40 or so text-message exchanges on my handphone today, I am wondering why people still come to me for advice on relationships.

Am I not cynical enough? Have I not screwed up my own marriage? Do I not give out enough committment-phobic vibes?

And so I try my level best to be objective, but even then, the stark reality that you can never be right or wrong in this game seems to be the ambiguous takeaway. I've given up saying, oh I think he's the wrong guy for you, there's no future in this fella, girl, move on or hey you're making a big mistake, look at me!

I've learnt that you've just got to let yourself fall into the deep pit of infatuation and heady romance, come out the better or worse for it, and then see what happens. Sometimes, you need to follow your heart before you know when it'll call your bluff. Love or Lust? Time will tell. Even if you have a good Poker Face. Its irresponsible yes, when there are spouses, significant others or families involved. But hell, we're blessed (or cursed, depending on how you look at it) with such a powerful and undefinable emotion called L-O-V-E which sometimes fudges the lines of logic and common sense. The right thing to do would be to control it, keep it in when its supposed to be kept hidden, show it off when its time for its magic to work on someone. But unfortunately, we mere mortals are often at its tender but unrelentless mercy. It chooses to be manifested when you least expect it to. This apparent reticence for predictability is to be expected from an emotion some say originates from Divinity or Destiny.

The beautiful thing about love is that it is all around. What would the world be without it? The sad thing is that we always seem to give our love to the 'wrong' people.

This, ironically, is what makes it so special.
Labels: Musings

posted by FM @ 1:44 AM

and ask myself... what if the path of life is bringing us in circles? Or is this simply the inevitable consequence of mistakes we keep repeating until we finally learn - but will we ever?

...

kids say the darndest thing

2009-07-13T13:44:00.003+08:00

I reached the clinic on time, the nurse asked me to wait my turn to see my acupressure therapist and find a seat first. I saw one that was empty beside a lady playing with her son, probably of kindie age. Just as I settled in, ready to take out my book to read, I heard the boy complain "hey that's my seat!". Surprised I looked up to him, "Oh, is this seat yours? I'm sorry!" His mum said to me, amused and embarassed, "no no... It's alright!" The boy replied," No I was talking about YOU!" to his mummy, she turned to her child and chided lovingly and rubbed her nose against his "you are such a naughty boy!..." And they both chuckled. Awww...

I smiled and returned to my reading, relieved. The doctor's room door opened and a male patient walked past us after his name was called. As the door closed behind him, I heard the childish voice again, this time, he sounded very serious. "Mummy, that man looks like a bad guy!!" I let out a voiceless giggle and heard Mummy coo "you've watched too many cartoons, silly boy!"

Ya boy, if only life was as simple as in cartoons... where bad guys are always bad, and good guys are always good.

Have a beautiful week everyone! (^_^)

棋子

2009-06-24T07:09:00.001+08:00

想走出你控制的领域
却走近你安排的战局
我没有坚强的防备
也没有后路可以退

想逃离你布下的陷阱
却陷入了另一个困境
我没有决定输赢的勇气
也没有逃脱的幸运

我像是一颗棋
进退任由你决定
我不是你眼中唯一将领
却是不起眼的小兵

我像是一颗棋子
来去全不由自己
举手无回你从不曾犹豫
我却受控在你手里

TOTD (random thought of the day) Layer by layer

2009-06-09T14:08:00.001+08:00

Falling in love with someone is sometimes like peeling an onion, to get to their middle, we peel through the layers... and sometimes this peeling makes us tear.

museum of hearts

2009-06-08T12:32:00.005+08:00

To compartmentalize one's heart like an archival system of a museum.
where one part of history does not mix with another,
yet all contributing to what the present is.
for one era to be special... only just about as special as any other times.
for the dark secrets of one dynasty to be hidden
perhaps never to be revealed...

the human heart has 4 chambers, but none is for storing information...
it is the mind that stores the information, the left lobe and the right...
logic versus emotions...

it can't be that bad lar

2009-06-08T00:17:00.004+08:00

Watched an episode of Friends today. The one that Rachel's sister (Jill) been kicked out by their daddy and looks for Rachel for asylum.

Ross & Jill were harmlessly flirting with each other, eventually going on a date, thinking Rach is for it.

an extract -
Rachel: (Screaming) Oh my God, I cannot believe that! I mean I don't really like it when Ross goes out with anyone, but my sister?! Isn't that like incest or something? Oh my God and they're gonna have sex! Oh no, what if he marries her too? Oh, this is just terrible, this is just terrible! And I can't stop it. I don't own Ross, you know, and Jill, she should be able to do whatever it is that she wants to do and oh my God, I can't believe Ross is marrying my little sister. This is just, oh my God, this is just the worst thing that could have ever happened to me!

I'm sure it's not that bad... right?

Great expectations

2009-06-01T09:37:00.004+08:00

Recent spate of events led to me to think about the expectations we have on the people around us. These expectations evolve as the nature and depth of these relationships change. While some people are holding on to the quality of such relationships in the past, they forget that time has passed and the other party might have moved on to another stage in life, a stage that has lessened their value of this "used-to-be-close" relationships. For example, a colleague I used to be close to expressed to someone else I know his disappointment about not being invited to my wedding, his unhappiness surprised me. We've had very little chance to speak in the past half a year, due to some structural shifts in the company. To me, I had lost contact with him, to him, we were close once.

Over one lifetime, we develop many relationships... friendly or romantic, short or long-term, same-gender or otherwise, casual or professional - these relationships live and thrive on as long as each individual's needs are met by the other party's contribution.

Expectations comes into play, whether expressly or not, as an element of survival of the r/s. As the nature of the relationship changes, my expectations of these people and relationships change - from friends to lovers, lovers to spouses, lovers to friends, casual colleagues to friends, etc. We have different levels of expectations of people around us, our desire of support, respect, chemistry, humor, companionship depends on our perception on how deep/engaged we and the other party are in these relationships.

It is also natural that a new relationship demands investment of our time and attention, inadvertently at the expense of another relationship which must take a temporal or even permanent backseat. We all know to forgive our friends when they get "lost on our radar" when they start seeing someone. Being close friends, we must all the more give them space to develop that new romantic relationship, for his/her benefit and happiness - something's got to give, and any unwillingness to do so, will merely strain the friendship and cause the other party to be miserable.

I am now faced with simultaneous changes of a few relationships in my life. Adapting to my role as a wife to my husband, to understand and accept our changing expectations of one another and adjusting my expectations so that I express my needs and difficulties, yet not to impose or demand them. Time for myself has dwindled to an almost miserable stage, if I complained of having no me-time before marriage, well now the situation is like a few times worse. I haven't taken a single photo since returning from Perth on 12 May, nor found any time to sit down with my journal to gather my own thoughts. Work had spiralled into a mad frenzy, the need to reach office on time together with KT means that my waking hours are brought forward by nearly 1 hour. Bedtime's also brought forward so what originally were the most active hours of my day (me being nocturnal, is from 11pm to 3am) is now spent in slumber - some days, I walk around like a zombie, an owl forced to follow the schedule of a rooster.

I've been getting a lot of mood swings lately. I can't be entirely sure what's causing it - the change in my sleep schedule that leaves me often tired and zombified in the day, or the appetite suppressant sibutramine that I have been taking to lose weight. The drug is known to cause depression in patients, although from what I have read, it's not a common side-effect.

All this plus a recent incident that has somewhat, innocently but undoubtedly, affected my friendship with a colleague I'm closest to, and a good friend on whom I have been quite dependent for emotional support particularly when I'm having relationship trouble with kt.

It's just my emotional neediness acting up again. My logic reminds me the heaviness of such a burden, it would be selfish of me to ask of anyone to understand it, let alone share it with me. Perhaps it is now that God is teaching me to be independent emotionally, and rely on Him, and to seek the connection with my husband more than anyone else. Tho it is tough to remember that things happen for a reason, when all I feel is that I'm drowning in the overwhelming current of changing relationships, expectations and spiral of busy-ness. That connection as I search for it, is weak at the moment, he is trying to get used to the demands of being married too.

I thank all those who've shown their concern, there are some things I can't say, part due to pride, part due to privacy and part due to a realization of how 2 people can have such different perceptions of a friendship, and the vulnerability of an open heart...

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." - the key now is to rise above, look beyond my own situation and look outwards to the needs of others... and leave my own pain to God, since I am helpless at self-healing. I wait patiently for the new revelation I will receive at the end of this episode, the character it'll build and the beautiful butterfly wings that will spread once the pressing ends.

Tho now the pain of pushing out of the cocoon goes on and the loneliness masks my cries in this dark place...

soul hungry

2009-05-16T03:15:00.002+08:00

Months of preparation has come to this - everything's over in a blink - in less than 12 hours, it's over...

the wedding, i mean.

2 weeks later everyone starts asking about how's the honeymoon? How's married life? It's kinda like asking a 2 week old baby how it feels to be alive. He might not even be conscious of what happened. It's stressful when everyone comes up to you and asks with doe-eyes expecting me to say oh the honeymoon was beautiful!!! i could only smile.

Not that I didn't enjoy it, but my soul still felt hungry. So my conclusion - honeymoon: over-rated, sex: over-rated too.

again I say, not that I am not happy, just that unfortunately fairy tales don't happen. Sparks don't fly on the wedding night, I don't know how many people has their honeymoon splendid & romantic. Mine left me hungry in the soul, an unfulfilled craving - while we had our fill of sights & sounds, the craving for intimacy faded in the background as making the best of the short daylight & squeezing in as much attractions to see took centrestage.

Missing the forest for the tree? Could be, but I prefer to think of it... as the search for the forest... learning together to see past the tree. Every experience a precious lesson learnt. Ultimately, it doesn't matter if we find the forest... what matters is the one who's holding my hand... in this seeking...

so long... solo

2009-04-14T01:03:00.003+08:00

The past few weeks have been hectic... emotionally.

The pre-wedding solo trip isn't going to happen I'm afraid, no thanks to procrastination on my part, in both dragging my feet at making travel arrangements and leaving wedding prep stuff to the last minute.

Memory doesn't serve me well when I try to think what busy-ness I have been up to. Perhaps the actual tasks are not as draining as the emotions I need to manage. In the office, the team atmosphere has been going through a tough transition, half a year ago, there's much laughter & jokes in the team - now there's mostly silence everyday - blame on the economic crisis, everyone's struggling to keep the team performance up. we all know the low morale isn't helping, but sometimes, to avoid getting ourselves into trouble by opening our mouths, just burying our heads in work seems like a pretty good idea.

I don't know if there's a word to describe how I've been feeling for the last few weeks, some kind of stuffiness in the chest, making it difficult to even take a deep breath - psychological or physical? I really have no idea.

Conflicts have been rife lately - at work, at home, thankfully KT and I are doing well. Unexpectedly our relationship has become closer, more intimate & honest - I think it's healthy. But somehow on the other hand, I find the other side of me - the side that emotes - somehow feels stifled.

What will married life be like? How different will it be from the life I am living now? Psychologically, emotionally & socially... I am at a loss at how to prepare myself. I suppose this is what they forgot to tell us at PMC? Haha... there's still much things I have not done... which I want to do... learn to appreciate the arts, for example. I suppose it would indeed be unrealistic to expect marriage to change nothing, I still pray that it'll be lessons of value that I can testify of as the years pass. After all, the constitution of marriage is the decision and act to commit 2 lives to love each other forever - more importantly, an earthly example of the love between the Bridegroom & His Church... oh what lessons lie ahead? So mysterious... exciting yet intimidating...

These few weeks, he's been treating me nicer & nicer... doing things for me that he has never offered to do before. Perhaps it's his way of assuring me, after all, I've already chickened out once - thinks the cynic in me. Though the other part of me believes, it is out of the goodness of his heart and pureness of his love for his wife-to-be. He had after all only recently confided how hard he found it to really accept another person's influence and impact on his life - and finally for once, I feel he is not paying lip service, he had truly started practising it.

I'd be lying if I said I am not afraid now... but it is something I wanna do... with the grace of the One, who told me not to give up this r/s, each and every of the umpteen times I have sat before Him & wept in pain. Dear God, let me always hear this voice of Yours... all the more daily after 2 May...

Broken

2009-04-09T04:06:00.003+08:00

They say diamonds are a girl's best friend... could it be because that just like a diamond, each cut she suffers adds to her brilliant sparkle? And if the cut goes wrong... it flaws her too?

Artsy

2009-03-04T12:45:00.002+08:00

always fancied theatre & stage performances... but held back for lack of companion and sometimes the ticket price.

1. 天冷就回来 - http://www.iftherereseasons.com/

As a student, I fancied Liang Wenfu's books & songs... innocent, romantic, simple... Anyone fancy a evening of Chinese theatre?

2. The Winter's Tale

Cinema Cinema Cinema!

2009-03-04T12:41:00.002+08:00

2 Jappy movies on my "to-watch" list... and plenty more since SIFF coming ups!

1. DEPARTURES (Okuribito)

2. DETROIT METAL CITY - from the comic, not that I read it but the show looks quite cute

Singapore International Film Fest - some films that look interesting:

1. Promised Land (Israel)
2. 12 Lotus (Singapore) (missed this the first time around, now it's back!)
3. Let's fall in love (Taiwan)
4. Hashi (Japan)

pain

2009-03-03T01:13:00.002+08:00

love is about accepting and supporting each other, yet the more I try, the more I suck at it. Am I the cause of all this pain? Your lips say no, but your actions seem to disagree with your words. Words of affection have become less, I know it's unconscious, a result of my doing? Had my demands caused the demise of our love?

As I watch you pace about outside, not saying one more words, I asked God to give you wisdom, but instead, I was given more patience. As I asked you what was hindering you, I got an angry reply that the promise to me will be fulfilled, tomorrow, this week, next week, you will do it. You seemed deaf to my questions, all I wanted was to share your burden - maybe I have asked too much. Had my tone sounded harsh? I didn't feel so, but who can be my witness? Even your attempt to calm me down sounded like an attempt to hush me so you can leave.

The days have become like clockwork, hour into hour, weekend followed by weekend... the more time we spend, the less love is spoken.

Perhaps all this was what caused your frequent tiredness. It happens to me, stress makes me want to escape under the sheet and sleep, hoping to find new inspiration and energy to face the new day, but more often simply to run away from what is upsetting me now.

Yet I wait, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day... By asking for my ideals, have I also invited my misery?Like a moth to a flame, I throw myself at those who will never treat me like a princess, never will I be a princess again..... ever Like a flower waiting for its season, but maybe the season is gone, and now what is left is only winter, the beautiful first snowfall but following it, coldness, death and darkness.

God. take me away... I pray... if this cannot go away, then take me away....

It is written

2009-02-26T11:30:00.006+08:00

Destiny or unrelated coincidences?... how do we turn out to become who we are? Is it the result of a chain of uncoordinated events inter-weaved like threads of physical, emotional & spiritual fibre intertwined by chance, that forms the tapestry that is us.

I couldn't help thinking of this question walking out of the theatre after the movie finished, the movie that snatched 8(?) Oscars I think. The latest hype and pride of Asia, particularly the South - Slumdog Millionaire. My first impression of the title was that it was another story of an Afro-American from the ghetto, not unlike the story of Obama perhaps? Another rags to riches story of Hollywood? I'll pass.

Soon after by chance, I read a review on it and found out the story is not based in Hollywood but in Bombay, India.

By chance, I just finished reading Paul Theroux's The Elephanta Suite, a compilation of 3 stories, of how Americans came to India thinking that they know India, and how they got to know India up-close, somewhat unfortunate ways.

By chance, issues were mentioned in the novel of child exploitation & prostitution, from being ruled by the colonial British to becoming the call center of the world, forsaking their the Queen's English in favor, not only of the American accent, but also the personality of the American brute instead the meek, polite personality of the English gentleman.

By chance, in early Jan, my manager had visited our New Delhi office & told us they have a tea-boy, we were told it cost only USD2 a day to hire 1.

By chance, during the 1980s in Singapore, the tv in my 3-room HDB flat would be tune-locked to Channel 8, which showed both Chinese & Indian programs, and while waiting for our favorite shows, we would watch the Hindi/Tamil movies, that's how I recognized Amitabh Bachchan.

By chance, also during the 1980s when I was young, a famous case happened in Singapore where 2 young brothers of about 10 years old were suspected to be kidnapped & never found. Many years later, there were unconfirmed witness reports that they were seen begging in the streets of Thailand, maimed - intentionally perhaps, like Arvind in the movie.

By chance, these separate chance occurrences brought the movie that much closer to my heart.

By chance... really? Or was it written, predestined by a higher being.

Each episode of Jamal's life taught him an answer to each question he was asked in the show. The almost predestined events of the USD100 bill, Lord Rama, musketeers story. If any one question was replaced by some other question, he would have been out of the game, and miss being reunited with the love of his life.

The loved ones we are with now, are they here by chance? Are we in their lives by chance, or is there actually a reasons for us to be together? Is there really such thing as destiny, then who writes destiny? The answer to me, was obvious... though the reason why my life is destined is way, I believe, will never be known to me.

So far, yet so near

2009-02-26T10:45:00.002+08:00

I have a group of friends I am thankful for, we found one another through an unlikely media - through an internet forum. Personally, I've found the internet to be a channel where it is difficult to have intelligent and honest exchanges without being offensive. Online posts read without the spoken tone and no understanding of the background of the writer, can be easily misconstrued to carry along a malicious intent. That's why flaming is so common.

I've heard the term "computer hero" used. In many internet forums, people vent their frustrations, voice their unhappiness, about neighbours, colleagues, government, even another religion/race/country freely, hiding behind the anonymity of their online nickname. So they sit in front of their PC (or Mac :p) screen posting freely, simply becos they need consider no consequences, since he doesnt know who he is talking to and his own identity is not known to the readers either.

Yet in our internet forum, there has been many interesting exchanges of thoughts - we even attempt venturing into the 2 taboo topics of most other forums: politics & religion. I was telling my fiance KT last nite, that I miss those intellectual discussions, where I am challenged to represent my faith, share my opinions while keeping an open mind to hear others think of Christianity and respecting their views which differs from mine. And I am not just talking about discussions on personal faiths, but in various values & topics: romantic love, flirting, social issues, family, workplace etc etc. To me, it was easy to post my views on the internet because with words, I am allowed to plan and compose my thoughts before translating them into words. And I can tell my story without being interrupted. Some might say it's a thin line we are treading but because we have developed a mutual understanding and respect for each other, even when arguments & personal offences are taken, things blow over fast and we're back to being online buddies again.

Ironically, although we are seldom physically involved in each other's lives, we could possibly possess a significantly more holistic view of one another's inner world - because we open up to each other in a way that somehow we do not show to a friend or even a loved one in real life.

In this forum, I have learnt many lessons - on love, on friendship, on parenthood, on books, on movies, on photography... most of all, on our weaknesses as human, and how we find solace knowing everyone all have our own struggles, despite the smiling faces we carry around everyday. Some struggle with romance, some with marriage, some with family, some with career, some with self-identity and personal growth... it might be hard to understand this kinda friendship, to know so much while seeing so little of one another... which actually is exactly what makes it work so well.

a modern-day version of mass penpal-ing maybe? I'd never know, I'd never had the fortune of having one.

Movie: Accuracy of Death （死神の精度）

2009-01-15T02:20:00.004+08:00

Chiba (Takeshi), the Shinigami (aka Grim Reaper) with his faithful telepathic canine friend (I want a black lab who can talk to me like that!) are the messengers of death. More like umpires, they are assigned to "subjects" (people who would come face to face with death) for 7 days to decide whether to proceed (die) or to suspend (let live). He travels through time from one assignment to next, ultimately realizing that the subjects were linked in one way or another.
Chiba bases his judgements on his contact with them, what the subject thinks of death and whether his/her purpose has been fulfilled.

A surprisingly lighthearted attempt with some black humour, an child-like Shinigami unfamiliar with terms like "pick up" and "runny nose" adds novelty to an otherwise deep, dark movie that wants to make its audience think about life, death and what is important vs what is special. I like how Chiba has never seen the blue sky because it's always raining when he appears, until one day he finally see a clear sky.

"You don't know life, because you don't see life, you only see death"...

Takeshi's pretty face adds to the typically beautiful Japanese cinematography. It was nice to be able to unds abit of the Jap together with the subtitles... makes me feel like restarting Japanese lessons .

Same same but different

2009-01-15T01:50:00.002+08:00

After spending more than 3o years in this cookie-cutter of a city, being different/unique is not exactly a trait that receives a warm welcome.

Much less if it's uniquely poor academic performance. Meritocracy, that's the edict decreed unforgivingly by the founding patriarch of this wannabe-democracy. Be excellent in school, all other strengths are secondary, if any important at all. Those who are unfortunately less adept to scoring the exams are slowly & ruthlessly segregated to the bottom of the stockpile - where the scum belong. The only way for these people to escape their fate is escape - to another country, or so it seems. I suppose this is why many of my friends are either considering or have already chosen to migrate, KT is with them on this, hands & all other limbs raised in agreement.

As I mull over taking up studying again, in pursuit of a very different profession, I can already hear questions & doubtful comments that essentially say I would be wasting my time, even if it means I have discovered a calling that my heart & soul might finally be at peace with.

Everyone is made unique, that's how God made us, I believe. But we have been nurtured to desire a group identity, that can only be by sharing similarities with other members of the group. So we get caught, in this rift between recognizing & growing our uniqueness yet fearing expulsion from the herd. We want to know & be who we are at heart, be honest with our true selves. To find someone who see us that way, who shares & appreciates our common quirks and respects those quirks we have but they don't.

today...

2009-01-03T14:17:00.003+08:00

I mourn... of what could have been today.

Today I surrender to the fact that even though a decision is logical & right in every sense, supported & approved by everyone, there is nothing easy about its execution. I live by the phrase "There's no such things as no choice, it's just the consequences that stop us from choosing". The consequences go on and on like a stream, sometimes in a trickle, sometimes gushes and I am the rock by the stream, carved by its incessant flow.

2 months ago, I could have gone ahead with it. I made a decision overnight to put a wedding off. In the last 2 months, I feel like a ragdoll in a whirlpool. Thoughts run through my mind like sand in a sandstorm... making me teary & blind.

I am calmed down. Very aware that our decision is right. That it is one that has saved me my life in a way, from confusion & misery. Perhaps my friends were right, I knew too little about what marriage is, and I thank God for these friends. But the pain remains, because today could have been the fruition of our months of anticipation. Although we have merely extended the wait, but reminded of the circumstances, that ache of loss gnaws away painfully in my chest. No I do not blame him, I do not blame him either. Because he loved me in the way he knew how, I am thankful. I was the one who chose... now I live the life of my consequences of my choices.

While my head gives thanks, my heart struggles in the lake of 2 months of my tears, I float like a corpse when I'm tired of struggling, and tries to swim ashore when I have the energy... This is me-time, because alone I must go through this until the shore is found, the shore is Him. because no one knows what the future brings, I can only pray & trust in Him.

More on Cape No. 7

2008-12-22T17:53:00.002+08:00

海角七号 - The Full Trailer

The Main Theme - 无乐不做 (I love this!)

The Love Theme - 情书

The Ending Theme - 国境之南

聪明的女人会装傻

2008-12-22T12:00:00.003+08:00

那天，和一位认识多年的朋友吃饭，我们可以说是一起在教会长大，她比我大四岁，我们都把她看作姐姐。虽然他时常blur blur 的，常说些out of point的笑话，让我们啼笑皆非，但她对我的关心，我是知道的。

我对他说了我和kt只见所发生的一切，她听了后，对我说一句让我恍然大悟的话：“你是个很聪明的女孩子，可是有时候，要装装傻。你太独立，男人就会把你take for granted”。

哇！傻大姐不鸣则已，一鸣惊人！

我想是我好胜的个性，身为家里的老大，I've been trained to solve my own problems.

Mum's Chinese-educated, & Dad's long working hours meant that I was tasked not only to solve my own issues, but also that of my siblings when it comes to the less important stuff.

Will my independent character become the downfall of my relationship? While I complain about a passive partner, could his passiveness be the result of my own doing? At heart, I am caught between being a girl who wants to be pampered and taken care of, and a rash problem-solver who has little patience for those who lack situational awareness & responsiveness. The choleric in me sees a problem & naturally reacts to solve it, but then the princess in me feels that I'm doing too much. I can't stop myself from coming up with solutions, yet this constant taking charge is draining my spirit. Oh the struggle's such a bitch!!

I dread the thought of feeling soft-hearted & mushy, I feel thrown in the merry-go-round of problem-discussion-adjustments of expectations-improvement-hope-deterioration-discussion (repeat). Is this the essence of a relationship? When people say the crunch always comes when you are trying to adjust to each other... what gives the motivation? Love? Passion? I used to believe a lot in passion, but not so much now, it is fleeting, intangible and somewhat unreliable. So what then? Faith? And the source of the faith? The ten-year series answer screams instinctively, but of course knowing the answer is only part 1... it's always the "application" that is the challenge.

Why are we created with a void called loneliness? When being with someone can be just as tormenting?

真是哭笑不得。。。

to MAC or not to MAC

2008-12-17T14:48:00.004+08:00

After 3 years of faithful service, 1 replaced keyboard pad & 2 hard-disk formatting, I think my ACER lappy is into its last days - the lower part of the LCD screen has been flickering and when it is not flickering, I can see visible lines of discoloration near the bottom of the screen where there was flickering, they looked not unlike dead pixels.

It's never occurred to me that MAC was even an option, i have 2 advertisement account managers in my office (both accustomed PC users)are forced to use MAC as their work desktops and never fail to tell me how much they hate it - D has been using the MAC for the past yr, and Y has been using the MAC for 5-6 yrs, both would revert to PC anytime, citing MAC's user-unfrenliness as the main reason, not being able to find where the files are hidden, and also in strange website appearance on their browser, it seems much hard to configure (ie figure out) a MAC than a PC.

on top of that, my IT consultant fren is also a PC supporter, so I risk losing excellent (read: free)IT support advice if i switch to MAC. but MAC seems kewl, particularly itunes (& i'm sure other i-stuff) which though supposedly compatible with windows, i've suffered at trying to run itunes on my windows, it wiped off half of my painstakingly DL-ed songs collection.

But now that I am taking my time (while the Acer is holding up) to shop for a replacement for my home lappy (which I use 80% for fun stuff like fotos, surfing, chatting etc and 20% serious stuff like word, excel, ppt etc), I am flirting with the idea of joining the dark side. 5 mins of googling churn up articles & clips that are either biased twds PC or MAC, isnt there someone who can give an objective opinion e.g. "if yr priority is to xxx, choose MAC. but if yr priority is to yyy, get the PC." argh!

But in consolation, i think this is still easier than picking the right man. It is almost like choosing between 2 men, the humourous fun creative SNAG (ie. MAC) who's constantly in danger of getting too much attention from threats (= incompatibility issues, being too niche & nobody knows how to fix them) and the down-to-earth honest straightforwardly sweet homebody who's just a little too predictable sometimes (ie PC).

They say that now MACs are able to run windows stuff and it seems the PCs have this DuoCore function that runs Mac OS X(?!). Perhaps this is a solution for the fickle-minded who can't choose, but not me. I cannot bring myself to compromise owning a machine who is trying to imitate another, if I buy one, I should learn to fly with its capabilities & learn to live with its shortcomings. Anyway, I have been using Media Jukebox instead of itunes for so long... I wouldn't know what I'm missing with itunes =))

我不是抛弃你我是舍不得你

2008-12-17T01:58:00.001+08:00

每個人心中都有一封寄不出的情書，不管是寄到天涯，還是...《海角七號》

跨越六十年的七封情書 追尋一輩子的音樂夢想 - 人只能活一回，夢想卻有無數個，唯有放手一搏，才能知道機會屬不屬於自己……。

Just caught the movie “Cape Number 7”, movie made in Taiwan with a strong local countryside flavor, a love story, well 2 stories that unfolded alongside but one happened 60 years before the other.

Ah Ga (阿嘉) is a talented but dejected musician who returned to his hometown Heng Chun (恒春) after failing to make it big in capital Taipei. His “unofficial” step-dad is the village representative (read: political leader) who’s sad and disappointed that young people brought up in Heng Chun forsake this beautiful seaside town to seek their fortunes in big cities. When a famous Japanese singer chose his town to stage his open-air seaside concert, the village leader fights hard and managed to secure a chance to put Heng Chun in the media spotlight, he must find enough musicians to form a rock band to perform the opening act, but first he has to persuade his emo, perpetually disgruntled stepson to perform the guitar on stage again.

Tomoko, a struggling model, unwilling translator & production assistant of a modeling firm (who wants to be a real model but is never given the chance) comes to Heng Chun & is forced to oversee the formation of the band & make sure they do a presentable job as the opening act.

Ah Ga took over the role of the village postman when the real postman broke his leg, finds & opens an undeliverable parcel, it’s been rejected because the address & addressee (a Japanese girl also by the name of Tomoko who stays at Cape, Nr. 7) could not be found. Curious about its contents, he opens the wooden box & finds 7 love letters expressing sad longing and guilt written daily on a vessel bound for Japan from Taiwan, some 60 years ago by a school teacher to his student & lover whom he could not bring along. He was being deported after the Japanese surrendered. The writer of the letters had just passed away and his daughter who read the letters decided to fulfill her father’s wishes to deliver the letters to whom it was meant for.

As the contents of the letters was unveiled & read one after another, we see Ah Ga & Tomoko - both initially hating their own lives & each other’s guts, falling for each other, eventually even having a one-night stand after getting drunk at a wedding dinner, Tomoko admiring Ah Ga’s talent & Ah Ga realizing he had been too harsh on this poor girl who’s miles away from her home because of a job she did not choose.

To me, Cape number 7 is about not as much about lamenting love lost as it is about having courage to grab the opportunity to pursue one’s true love & happiness when hope exists. The Japanese teacher who wrote the letters cried remorse & sorrow (“涌不出泪水的哭泣让我更苍老了。..”）for loving yet leaving his young lover, because he was returning to his war-defeated motherland and he did not want her to suffer with him back in Japan – “我不是抛弃你，我是舍不得你” (loosely translated “I am not forsaking you, I just can’t bear to see you suffer”). I can’t help asking again, is it true that love has nothing to do with being physically together? 爱一个人真的不需要和他在一起吗？

Before the concert begins, Tomoko tells Ah Ga that she will be returning to Japan the day after, obviously a hint to him that she wants to know if he loves her enough to be with her, regardless of where they will be. Ah Ga is in a dilemma whether to follow his heart & pursue this newfound love, or to obey his head & chuck this crazy idea out of the window. Moved by the letters he found (and obviously not wanting to let the girl he love go, like the writer of letters did), he embraces her and says that either she stays or he will go with her.

I also enjoyed the flavorful conversation, mostly Hokkien. The stark contrast between appeal of big city dreams of young people & the neglect of unpretentious beauty of the small seaside-town & its inhabitants, the mystery of love letters whose delivery has been delayed for more than 60 years and the bold pursuit of musical daydreams by down-to-earth everyday folks (2 policemen, a motorbike mechanic, a rice-wine salesman & a 12 year-old keyboardist who plays poorly in the local church service).

I didn’t cry at all in this movie, it is the bittersweet lovesick longing yet physical absence & impossibility to bring the love to fruition that captivates me. I sat in the taxi on my way stil mesmerized by the love depicted in the movie that the cabby asked me was it a love movie that I just watched, and I thought to myself “God, is it that obvious?!” =)) I thought I could pretend not to be a romantic, but I guess some things are just too difficult to hide.

I found this online - it seems to be a complete collection of the 7 letters... so beautiful the language of love...

第一封
　　
　　一九四五年十二月二十五日友子太阳已经完全没入了海面我真的已经完全看不见台湾岛了你还站在那里等我吗友子请原谅我这个懦弱的男人从来不敢承认我们两人的相爱我甚至已经忘记我是如何迷上那个不照规定理发而惹得我大发雷霆的女孩了友子你固执不讲理爱玩爱流行我却如此受不住的迷恋你只是好不容易你毕业了我们却战败了我是战败国的子民贵族的骄傲瞬间堕落为犯人的枷我只是个穷教师为何要背负一个民族的罪时代的宿命是时代的罪过我只是个穷教师我爱你却必须放弃你
　　
第二封
　　
　　
　　第三天该怎麼克制自己不去想你你是南方艳阳下成长的学生我是从飘雪的北方渡洋过海的老师我们是这麼的不同为何却会如此的相爱我怀念艳阳…我怀念热风… 我犹有记忆你被红蚁惹毛的样子我知道我不该嘲笑你但你踩著红蚁的样子真美像踩著一种奇幻的舞步愤怒强烈又带著轻挑的嬉笑… 友子我就是那时爱上你的… 多希望这时有暴风把我淹没在这台湾与日本间的海域这样我就不必为了我的懦弱负责
　　
第三封
　　
　　友子才几天的航行海风所带来的哭声已让我苍老许多我不愿离开甲板也不愿睡觉我心里已经做好盘算一旦让我著陆我将一辈子不愿再看见大海海风啊为何总是带来哭声呢爱人哭嫁人哭生孩子哭想著你未来可能的幸福我总是会哭只是我的泪水总是在涌出前就被海风吹乾涌不出泪水的哭泣让我更苍老了可恶的风可恶的月光可恶的海
　　
第四封
　　
　　十二月的海总是带著愤怒我承受著耻辱和悔恨的臭味陪同不安静地晃荡不明白我到底是归乡还是离乡傍晚已经进入了日本海白天我头痛欲裂可恨的浓雾阻挡了我一整个白天的视线而现在的星光真美记得你才是中学一年级小女生时就胆敢以天狗食月的农村传说来挑战我月蚀的天文理论吗再说一件不怕你挑战的理论你知道我们现在所看到的星光是自几亿光年远的星球上所发射过来的吗哇几亿光年发射出来的光我们现在才看到几亿光年的台湾岛和日本岛又是什麼样子呢山还是山海还是海却不见了人我想再多看几眼星空在这什麼都善变的人世间里我想看一下永恒遇见了要往台湾避冬的乌鱼群我把对你的相思寄放在其中的一只希望你的渔人父亲可以捕获友子尽管他的气味辛酸你也一定要尝一口你会明白… 我不是抛弃你我是舍不得你我在众人熟睡的甲板上反覆低喃我不是抛弃你我是舍不得你
　　
第五封
　　
　　天亮了但又有何关系反正日光总是带来浓雾黎明前的一段恍惚我见到了日后的你韶华已逝日后的我发秃眼垂晨雾如飘雪覆盖了我额上的皱纹骄阳如烈焰焚枯了你秀发的乌黑你我心中最后一点余热完全凋零友子… 请原谅我这身无用的躯体
　　
第六封
　　
　　海上气温16度风速12节水深97米已经看见了几只海鸟预计明天入夜前我们即将登陆友子… 我把我在台湾的相簿都留给你就寄放在你母亲那儿但我偷了其中一张是你在海边玩水的那张照片里的海没风也没雨照片里的你笑得就像在天堂不管你的未来将属於谁谁都配不上你原本以为我能将美好回忆妥善打包到头来却发现我能携走的只有虚无我真的很想你啊彩虹但愿这彩虹的两端足以跨过海洋连结我和你
　　
第七封
　　
　　友子我已经平安著陆七天的航行我终於踩上我战后残破的土地可是我却开始思念海洋这海洋为何总是站在希望和灭绝的两个极端这是我的最后一封信待会我就会把信寄出去这容不下爱情的海洋至少还容得下相思吧友子我的相思你一定要收到这样你才会原谅我一点点我想我会把你放在我心里一辈子就算娶妻生子在人生重要的转折点上一定会浮现… 你提著笨重的行李逃家在遣返的人潮中你孤单地站著你戴著那顶… 存了好久的钱才买来的白色针织帽是为了让我能在人群中发现你吧我看见了…我看见了… 你安静不动地站著你像七月的烈日让我不敢再多看你一眼你站得如此安静我刻意冰凉的心却又顿时燃起我伤心又不敢让遗憾流露我心里嘀咕，嘴巴却一声不吭我知道思念这庸俗的字眼将如阳光下的黑影我逃他追…我追他逃… 一辈子我会假装你忘了我假装你将你我的过往像候鸟一般从记忆中迁徙假装你已走过寒冬迎接春天我会假装… 一直到自以为一切都是真的然后… 祝你一生永远幸福

work in progress

2008-11-28T00:11:00.002+08:00

you might find that things have been changing bit by bit around here... yea i'm revamping... new yr new look mayb? =))

to unksters:

2008-11-27T19:21:00.009+08:00

aka owners of the blog, it's 7pm, kt is overseas on a biz trip, i'm supposed to b in the gym now but i m procrastinating. will leav after i fin this note.

guess wat i've been reading for the 1/2 hr?

the unkster blog. or the early beginnings of it at least, when marriages were intact, dogs were kept at owners home (and not at ex's in-laws, i'm sorry, i know *sayang*) & D was not emo, when babyfaced unker rj boasted about holding a sleeping 8kg bb in a deadlock while he's sleeping himself & rj was not emo and oleng was single & not emo *LOL*

time slipped us by and the blog seems to have reached its end of its road, perhaps becos we have all in our own ways been tempted & toyed by fate (or simply incidents in our lives & love), emo posts has by far replaced the cheeky humor we shared when we first knew each other.

i'm extremely glad that thru the yrs, our frenship has deepened. it's hard to explain to my other friends, how i got to know & become so attached to this previous grp of frens who are mostly men (well at least the ones I am closer with), mostly straight (unless there's some information I am missing out on). I guess it's tough to understand how a group of friends whose interaction & existence is more real in the virtual world than in real life (although there's been a fair bit of it in recent months).

i've only contributed one entry in that blog, but feel peculiarly attached to it, as if it were my own. entries by people who have in more ways than one watched me grow (through bad relationships & good ones), grown with me & influenced me. i never realized the difference until i go read entries as early as October 2005. It just suddenly struck me how much more jest & zest for life we wrote them with.

I've long forgotten how that blog got started but i m certainly thankful it did. being one of its most faithful reader, I felt understandably sad to witness its gradual demise, after all it was a collaborative effort, that blossomed under the synergy of a few - who have attempted blogs of their own, but unsuccessful - perhaps literary stamina is easier sustained in a grp, than as individuals. Lending me a peek into the psyche of the 30-something year old male, who's not quite hitting mid-life crisis but compelled to re-assess his life in terms of career, family, love & look(?).

I myself has evolved as well, from the unsophisticated blur sotong ah-lian, to the increasingly contemplative, over-analysing, even slightly unhealthily melancholic bride-to-be. unfortunately, it seems a necessary price to pay for growing, pain. the pain of knowing, the pain of losing and the pain of living with losses - losses we bear as an investment to gain the ultimate prize, the kinda life we hold ideal. There's much to be gained, no doubt - in wisdom, in maturity, and i'd like to say in world-view... to be more tolerant of differing opinions.

Anyway I have digressed too much... I am just writing this, to say that I wish to see us all writing again. With a newfound zest for life, balanced with a refreshed down-to-earth positivity, to face the world and proudly say the hardknocks has made us stronger & wiser. and that we refuse to be defeated & fade into background, under the messy rut of managing children, relationships, bosses & responsibilities.

That while we face the social pressures like everyone else, us (unkers + untie) are slightly special individuals sharing a special bond - a mutually inspirational & positive one.

Rock on unks! Here's to more kopikayu sessions to lament about life, love & loti! =))

Avenue Q - after thoughts

2008-11-17T01:47:00.002+08:00

Firstly, this is not a review. I humbly confess that I have not been to enough plays & musicals to tell those worthy of a standing ovation from those who shd b spat at :p

I can't remember how I first heard of this show, but like everyone else, the "politically incorrect" slogans were nough to arouse my curiosity. KT & I are admittedly not fans of the theatre and I am sorry to say that I can count the number of plays I have seen with the fingers on 1 hand. So this play, interesting as it might seem, was not on my "must-do" list.

Plus this - as opening night draws nearer, I noticed that the people who were most excited about this play was 1. a gay friend 2. a lesbian friend.

Huh? How come I don't hear of straight people who are keen on watching this? Am I abnormal or whatt?? So, among my friends, the 2 Avenue Q supporters (on MSN & FB) I know, are of a different sexual inclination from me. While I do not agree with the lifestyle & the things they do, I do not deny their existence nor crusade for their crucifixion. I can't say I understand the oppression faced by local homosexual communities but I have eyes to see that yes, they are not the most socially accepted bunch of people as in it is unlike for a heartlander mum in her 50s to go around telling her ah-soh friends in the wet market that "eh! My son is gay, and I am damn proud of him!"... duh I am not an idiot, of cos gay people are ostracised - why else would people stay in the proverbial closet?! But then sometimes, people who are the oppressed minority, tend to "act out" and "rebel" at every chance they have, even when sometimes such actions are uncalled for, and worse, targetted at the wrong group of people.

For example, a lesbian couple holding hands in a bus end up french-kissing just to spite a little old ahpek who stare at them in the bus. Pls... ahpeks stare at any and everything, they stare at teenage couples in school uniforms, couples in office wear, straight couples, middle-aged men with Mainlander girlfriends, or tall girl in OL attire holding hands with shorter man. THEY STARE AT EVERYTHING - why even bother doing anything to spite people, and be over-sensitive that people are "tsk-ing" at what u are doing? If one is so proud of that lifestyle, is there any need to prove that it is normal?

Anyway I digress. What I am trying to say is that, this "overwhelming" support by the gay community is kinda a turn-off for me. It somehow just feels that the play has become gay propaganda. Which now after watching, I know that is barely the truth, Avenue Q is but a reflection about the real social situation, that regardless where one is straight or gay, it doesn't make them any less of a member of the community, known here as Avenue Q but known to us as everyone in our real-life facebook.

Ok, now that my gripes about the over-reaction/over-support of Avenue Q from the gay community have been voiced (hopefully without causing any potential uproars from members of that community).

I'd like to give Avenue Q my 2 thumbs up!

I loved it, we thought it was totally entertaining! And I loved how it was more broadway than Dim Sum Dollies & Phua Chu Kang! It was clever in its own cosmopolitan way, and even more impressive in its effort to merely reflect (without bothering to discuss/justify) the existence of controversies - porn, homosexuality, racism etc. I laughed & wept with the characters when Princeton, the prodigy, was seeking for a purpose in his life, when Kate Monster broke her heart over the fine line that seperated love and a complete waste of time. While their lives & hearts sang about solving identity crises & finding life's purpose, they can't escape being entwined in scandals and lusty mishaps- one-night-stands, break-ups, alcohol-induced affairs etc.

I like how, despite being wickedly direct & boldly sexual, it doesn't fail to highlight that all these are not what life is about. That Happiness is discovered when one stops looking inward to himself, but be open to give & accomplish the wishes, dreams & needs of others.

It was a coincidence that 2 nights ago, I was just chatting with KT about finding life's passion & purpose - we spoke about how life must not be lived without passion, without enthusiasm, one who allows himself to drift through life aimlessly will not find true happiness and fulfillment because an undefined space cannot be find its fill unless it becomes defined. After our conversion, I continued to contemplate, that besides finding a passion for a pastime ie. writing, photography, diving, reading etc. Life's meaning should be found in a higher purpose & a greater calling - to me, it was obvious, to fulfill God's calling - to preach the news to those who do not know, and to use my talents to see his commandment accomplished in every little way.

So in a way even a show as tongue-in-cheek & unconventional agrees that yes times have moved on, society has become more accepting towards diversity & mis-norms but the search for purpose is as important today, as it is in the days of our parents & grandparents, no matter who we're sleeping with now, men, women or whatever is in between.

later...

2008-11-09T03:53:00.002+08:00

It's 4am... it's raining, my favorite kinda weather at my favorite timing of the day, when my brain is at its most active, if i manage to keep it awake this late... it's not that I can't sleep, but the moment's too rare for me to sacrifice it for a hundred winks, so I'm blogging while listening to my music collection...

for those haven't found out, our wedding's been postponed....... I suggested it, he agreed, we had issues that needed to be addressed before the knot is tied... and continue to trust God is in control of this situation, that even this delay, had been divinely arranged by him, He knows when we'll be ready... and I thank Him for the courage to do what is right, despite it being difficult... wisdom and pain unfortunately must accompany each other most of the times...

I can't remember if I have posted these lyrics before... if I have, then once again... this provides a little bit of relief... in moments of pain, the piano tune is achingly sad, yet the lyrics reminds me... that the battle is not mine to fight... and this temporal life is not mine to own...

Safe In A Crazy World (Corrinne May)
I try to smile my tears away,
I try to keep my cool.
Oh but one more door gets in my way
I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter,
My heart just wants to bleed and stop Believing in me.

It feels like nothing is for certain
and that nothing comes for free
When they're lowering the curtain to the theatre of my dreams
I stumble and i crumble and I'm sinking to my knees for you
You cradle me

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength to believe in me again

Noise keeps chasing me
No matter where I go
Oh and life likes pretending that it's on a TV show
When it's hard to tell what's real
From what the world just wants to preach
You are the voice I seek

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength to believe in me again

'cause when I'm wrapped up in your arms
Nothing else can touch me
What a wonderful way to recharge
I feel like I can breathe again

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength to believe in me again

the education & re-education of love

2008-10-28T09:33:00.003+08:00

It's a little more than 2 months before the wedding and this month has been extremely difficult. As the wedding draws near I find myself revisiting questions which I thought I had already accepted, but this time without the rose-tinted glasses, and suddenly I find myself plunging helplessly into the abyss of uncertainty.

Do I have the steadfastness of mind to remain faithful in truly all circumstances & challenges? Can I accept him of all his flaws no matter what he changes to become? Am I willing to sacrifice/compromise parts of ME for the benefit of US?

And I know I have only myself to blame for not addressing these questions earlier, or rather, for not addressing these questions with critical objectivity earlier.

We spent almost 3 hours at the steps of the National Library until midnight on Friday, and I poured out my heart to him about my fears & apprehensions and he finally recognized the gravity of the situation - we even discussed postponing the wedding, the consequences, the costs & whether circumstances warranted such a drastic measure. As I confessed my lack of confidence to him, he asked a question and it became clear why I was crying so much recently - my questions and his inability to re-assure me had sent me spiralling down into depression. For the past months, when we spent time together, I had been crying & emotionally unstable at the slightest thing.

The next day I spent considering the cost of love. About the school of thought that only unfulfilled love can be romantic, and how the idea of this is a sure-fire recipe for a lifetime of unhappiness simply because a desire to be unfulfilled in itself is a twisted way of emotional anorexia - the soul savors the feelings of longing, and fulfillment of that longing leads to further disssatisfaction. I don't know why I failed to see the irony of this sadistic, self-tormenting, virtually insane definition of "love".

This recipe for emotional suicide cannot be what love is, no I refuse to believe that romantic love can only be found in the lacking. True love should be holding the hands of our silver-haired lover on our deathbed & whispering to each other not to cry, but to be grateful we've had the chance to fall in love & overcome the odds together.

Could it be that obstacles in relationships are a baptism of fire for the lovers, not unlike the process of refining gold through the furnace of fire, testing the sincerity of promises made, by compelling the fulfillment of these promises, previously spoken in times of bliss & sweetness? The refiner's fire that produces the strength & purity of the relationship,so it is now a level better - more beautiful, more evolved, and of definite higher worth than juvenile romance backed by only empty promises & whims. Through the baptism, we die... to our selfish desires, for the good of the relationship. To sacrifice ME, for the sake of US, an investment of sorts of tender loving care so that the tree that is the love shared by the two can flourish strong and more deeply rooted, ready for more storms ahead.

So now is the time, the promises are put to the test... and in humility I come before God... because my ways have brought me so far... & I want to rely on my ways no further

Simply complicated

2008-10-22T03:13:00.008+08:00

I love to think, comtemplate, analyse (and sometimes overanalyse). It's arguably a gift, and I have always loved it, the sensitivity to not only my thoughts & emotions, some say it's abt being emo & in touch with my feelings, I suppose... Never content to take anything at surface value, I thirst to consider, compare, control, conceptualize, conclude. Maybe that is the problem, with the supposed hunger for analysis, come an impression that I possess wisdom/intellect, and with it a (groundless?) feeling of self-sufficiency, a privilege & satisfaction knowing that my brainskills are an asset, to overcome difficulties no matter what or whose problems it is... having the capability to invent smarter solutions & seeing things that others might not 'see'.

Yet pride itself becomes the downfall of the self-professed intellectuals, that when a problem-free situation presents itself before us, plain, simple, unpretentious & coincidental... existing due to no effort of mine, it makes me feel like a fool, anything that comes easy can't be good. So no, since this is the simpleton's ready share in life, I deserve something better, and goes in search of something more - refusing to believe that what is simple can be good, what comes for free can be just as precious. Too smart for our own good - that's not a strength anymore.

Is this why we subject ourselves to be suckers for abuse? Hankering after what seems complicated, complexity thrills me, that is because I enjoy the ability solving mysteries & brainteasers, particularly if it comes in the form of a person. As a girl, I fell for the most intriguing men, the more unspoken troubles he has, the more attraction I feel - to be the one who holds the only key, able to access locked down chambers in their hearts to hear thoughts that are private to them and no one else - I liked being special in this way. Yes, it's typical of women, to go for men with a somewhat "dark" side.

Needless to say, all these previous relationship experiences have produced less than positive outcomes, leaving me with nothing more than emotional wounds, scars & even a heart that now walks the path of love with a limp, barely noticeable but still a nagging pain when memories overwhelm me. I finally gave up the pursuit of the complicated male mind, having had enough of battle wounds, abandoning complicated men, for a simpler one, who is easier to read & comprehend... not simpleminded, but simply easily contented, & NOT a deep thinker.

On one hand, simplicity complements my desire for complexity, coaxing me to lower my proud eyes to admit where happiness is concerned, the smartypants do not always end up better than the simpletons. I like this line in Tanya Chua's song WHY

"有些人对爱太清楚却得不到幸福
有些人对爱很模糊却偏偏找到路 "

Translated:
Some have clear ideas of love, but are unable to find true happiness
While some are clueless about love, yet end up on the right path.

At times I wonder about the mismatch between complicated & simple, whether differences will drive lovers apart more than how different perspectives can draw them nearer to each other. Yet 2 thinkers in love might be likened to each having a Pandora's box of secrets, hidden away from every living being. 2 locks, yet no key... forever wishing the other to open, yet forever afraid of the dark secrets in the other box, will it be as dark of those in their own?

Mystery intrigues & inspires, but I believe that true love resides in the sharing of hearts & minds, where there is no fear and no bondage, only freedom & transparency - ie, a common understanding & acceptance of 2 people, who have accepted themselves & are ready to accept the other, flaw & all.

1 Corinthians 1:27
But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.

When a partner tell me that I know him well, I can't help but ask if the reverse applies. So far, the answer has never been positive. I don't know why it is so, a reluctance to be understood? Or acceptance that being understood is not a pre-requisite to being loved. The saying "you don't have to understand a woman, you only have to love her" although cliche has certain weight to it possibly. Eventually I still ask myself, when I say he doesn't understand, is his knowledge of my personality, identity, likes & dislikes any indication of how deep our love is? No it is not, and at the moment, being "known" or not, seems to be of less importance to me than before. I hope it's because I am beginning to learn to appreciate the beauty of simplicity, derived from a complicated worldview.

the make-believe princess

2008-10-13T23:11:00.001+08:00

this term has been ringing in my head since the last wk... a close fren said I was a princess...

i like the idea that i m a princess... so romantic, so precious, so surreal... yet i struggle with the realities of life when sometimes i awaken from that dream n realise... i m not, and wrestle with the real issues of being imperfect, toiling for my keep & working out the r/s... and hence the emo ups & downs, between waking & sleeping.

mayb i shd become warrior princess instead, then i'll b tough awake, n tough in my dreams too hahahhahaha

so near... yet so far...

2008-10-09T09:29:00.003+08:00

A friend once showed me this in a book he was reading...

"...Could fulfillment ever be felt as deeply as loss? Romantically she decided that love must surely reside in the gap between desire and fulfillment, in the lack, not the contentment. Love was the ache, the anticipation, the retreat, everything around it but the emotion itself..."

- Kiran Desai, The Inheritance of Loss

Secret

2008-10-06T18:30:00.005+08:00

the name of a film produced by singer/actor/director/songwriter Jay Chou. The tune has been ringing in my head since Saturday. In Chinese, it's 不能说的秘密 - the secret that cannot be told. secrets that are shared among 2 are beautiful, even romantic... but secret that no one can know except oneself - becomes a poison that cripples.

I am now halfway thru this book - A friend like Henry - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Friend-Like-Henry-Nuala-Gardner/dp/0340934018 . It's nice to be reading again, to be transported into the emotional world of another person, and be distracted from the issues & challenging of our own struggles & stress. Despite the title, this book (well so far) isn't really about Henry, the Golden Retriever. It's a true story by a midwife-cum-mum who bore a child who suffers from servere autism, it was 1990, autism was a topic little-researched by public health workers, even she herself, tho medically trained to be a professional in babies & pregnancy, had only heard that word once, and never really knew what the condition was.

As an infact, Dale was incredibly quiet and easy to care for, hardly disturbed by anything... but as he grew older, they realised this boy was not growing like children of his age should. He did not have eye contact with anyone, was unable to speak his first word, and seemed to be unresponsive to human interaction, almost locked up in a world of his own - Daleyworld.

The first third of the book describes in details (with dates of major incidents) of how Mummy Nuala Gardner dealt with Dale as an infant, as the uninvolved interactions later developed into daily violent physical struggles where Dale will scratch, knock his head against floor & wall, struggle, shout when he was displeased. While bystanders saw this barbaric display as a spoilt child acting out, mummy knew best that Dale behaved this way because he was displeased, and yet felt fearful & lonely within. Despite his exceedingly loving parents & grandparents around him, autism had rendered the poor child incapable of interpreting human expressions and language. To him, objects & human fell into one category. I cannot begin to imagine how frightening it must be, to be scared & lonely but cannot seek relief because he had no connection with the "real" world.

Autism is often known as the incapable handicap - I think that it might be comparable to being deaf, mute, blind and completely paralysed & numb of sensory stimulation at the same time...

I'm now halfway through the book... and Henry has stepped into the picture... to replace Dale's previous obsessions - it was first Mickey Mouse, then Thomas the Tank Engine, and now for the first time, he was able to interact with a living, breathing animal... a Golden Retriever named after his favorite character from the Story of Thomas - Helpful Henry.

It's a book that draws me... and I think I should be able to finish it in another 2 days. I like to say I have OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) when it comes to reading, as I have shared with quite a few friends. I must say there is not many books I managed to finish reading so far. But once a book draws my attention, I can't put it down, my waking hours will be spent savoring each word to paint every imagery that I read, scene after scene in this dreamworld of my creation, with the help of the author, my thoughts are released like emotional painting brushes, each with wings of their own, picture after picture... i paint & imagine... and throw my own passionate flavor to each picture drawn... until I have read cover to cover.

I drown deep into that world, and let the author capture my mind and toss me around like a limp sash of silk in the desert gust of words. I imagine myself as one of the characters... in this book, I slip into the shoes of Dale... intelligent, emotional, full of overwhelming passion & expression, yet forcefully trapped in the dark world of autism, where I do not understand what I hear, where peope do not understand me, and despite how hard I try, I have no way of telling them my needs, my fears.... all they want is to hastily classify me into a certain category, so that they can move on to label the next child they see. Perhaps someone out there is reaching to me, but I can recognize no love, because I am incapable of empathy, yet I feel unsatisfied, I know there is something more out there but I am only reduced to a state of screams & cries... but still nothing comes back, nothing that resonates with me... and I stare into space again... into emptiness... because perhaps, this is the card Fate has cruelly dealt my stack, along with fear, loneliness, and pain... in this stack called Autism.

adults have been programmed to identify similarities, and group everything into general categories - not unlike product shelving in a supermarket. Uniqueness is feared, what is unknown is marked as abnormal, strange, weird & unacceptable, these should be sieved segregated from the mainstream, and their abnormality "dealt" with, the best to eliminate the uniqueness so the "odd one out" can become "just like the others". And as we grow as "normal" kids, we are trained to conceal our special talents, if it is not something recognized or accepted by commoners. Because if it is not something they can recognized, we will be rejected as mutants, weirdos... and left to wither...

Because of this, we disguised ourselves, put our colorful individualities into that dusty little cupboard... and call it our little secret...

the journey begins...

2008-09-23T23:30:00.004+08:00

it was only when we were going thru the fotos during selection, did it hit me that I am gg to become a bride... o gosh *shock*

here are my personal favorites:

we had tonnes of fun that day.... more pics here

despite some criticism (and many kind compliments) from our friends.... we love how our photos turn out, special credit to John Lim who captured our romantic, silly, childish, quirky kinda love so well... they might not be the most beautiful captures, but they were genuine & unpretentious... just like us....

we've just been to order our invitation cards... planning a wedding is crazy, and we're enjoying every second of it :)

Par-tor @ Pasoh

2008-09-12T00:31:00.003+08:00

An earlier photowalk we took @ Bukit Pasoh... some nice colorful shophouses... a Gan Clan Association... I wonder where's my own clan association?

plus an accidental of the RSAF Black Hawks at the NDP Preview hehe

trigger-happy

2008-09-12T00:00:00.003+08:00

been a while since i posted pictures... so here's some taken... not much thought put into it... just trigger-happy and happy to click...

but first, something by Charlie (not bad eh?)

In an attempt to take more pictures (Plan: first start on the quantity, then refine on the quality), I brought my Fizzy (Panasonic FZ8) along just for fun on Sunday, and shot these on China Sq, outside my gym

fishball noodles anyone?

How can something so pretty be synonymous with a bloodsucking female ghost?

we finall visited the Changi Prison Chapel & Museum, but to our dismay (or delight?), we reached at 4.55pm only to find out that the place has been closed for a church service at 5pm. So we couldn't check out the museum itself, but the nice church workers were warm and invited us to join the svc, I politely declined cos I didnt feel I was dressed for it, I had already gone to church in the morning, and wanted to go around taking pics rather than sit in another church service. As I was contented walking around the no-so-huge premises of the church, Charlie was happily chatting with the church workers. Not sure if he heard wrong but he said the service is also attended by ex-prisoners from Changi prison (?!) hmmm...

in remembrance of those who suffered here during WWII...

afterwards at the Changi beach n boardwalk...

limited by schedule...

2008-09-05T15:21:00.006+08:00

nowadays I am beginning to feel that 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week... isn't enough for me... there's many things I want to do, yet - I just wished I had more time...

Currently I have 5 weeknights and 2 days on weekends, in which I must schedule
1. gym session (ideally Mon, Wed n Fri, but so far I only manage twice a week cos Fri is cg day)
2. wedding prep sessions - meet service providers, shop for items etc
3. CG - 3 hours a week, either on Fri evening or Sat afternoon
4. Worship practice - twice a month on Thu.
5. Tuesday Prayer mtg - sadly this has taken a backseat to sacrifice for Item 1 & 2.
6. Dinner with Charles

I want to...
- go to gym thrice a week (now I am managing twice a week)
- attend TPM *faithfully*
- prep a good solid sharing for CG every week (requires at least 1 night of reading & researching)
- take up scuba diving
- have dinner with at least 1 cg member each week
- have dinner with at least 1 of my friends each week
- take up music lessons (e guit or keyboard)
- take up theology studies to learn more about the bible and its history
- be a better photographer by reading up more, taking weekly photo-walks, and have the time to sit down and pp my photos
- have dinner at home on at least 1 weekday
- spend a sensible amount of time with Charles
- start a reading habit
- read the bible cover to cover again
- have half a day of "me" time on wkends

omg, i didnt even realise there were so many things I want to do. Is it even possible to do all these?... hmmm i feel like making an excel sheet so I can work out how this can be done... tempting... btw, did I mention I'm obsessed with charts & tables? BUAHAHHAAHA *evil laugh*

defused...

2008-08-28T00:07:00.002+08:00

the time bomb has seized ticking... By God's grace, I have saved myself, and perhaps saved others from my explosive self as well...

my conversation with KT has turned out v well, the relationship has improved a lot better becos somehow my whirlwind of depression has decided to call it a day. After cracking my brain, and trying to analyse me, I have not been successful in singling out a cause or event that triggered the mild bout of depressive behavior of mood swings, poor wk performance and short tempers. yet through talking it out, I have improved issues in my life, namely the communicative aspect of our r/s, and things seem to turn a lot better. my attitude twds him has improved dramatically, my enthusiasm twds work is back, and I dont even feel suffocated/suppressed anymore. I still haven't decided what could have been the major issue. But as long as the dark clouds' gone, who cares where it came from in the first place!

that said, I think I'm having pre-wedding nostalgia - abt lovers and "could have been" lovers in my life... imagining what would happen if one steps into my life right now, when I'm on the verge of pledging my eternal love to my fiance. haaa... so strange how this human mind works, becoming the devil advocate's and brings us to consider absurd things.

but pls allow me to clarify, I am excited abt getting married, and abt spending my life with KT, no regrets whatsoever, so it's not pre-wedding jitters, cos I am not jittering! hur hur hur

tick, tick, tick, tick... boom

2008-08-12T11:26:00.002+08:00

a walking time-bomb, i feel i am becoming.

recently i've been feeling irritable, and it's been lasting too long to be simply PMS. PMS' not taboo, I attribute all my emotional outbreaks to it. in fact I wish it was the cause, things would be so much simpler if it was.

so i'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me. why i m getting more quick-tempered, particularly with KT, triggered by trivial things, and I cool down as rapidly as I flare up. I don't know what is wrong... I even wonder if I might be suffering from split-personalities...

pre-wedding jitters perhaps? is it becos in my subconscious I m not as ready as I thought I'd be? I don't have an answer, I wished someone could tell me, talk it through, sit down with me to analyze... and I realised that... I have no one I can trust to listen and not criticize me, well there used to be someone, but cynicism has come between us, or I assume it has, confiding should be done with complete trust, without fear of rebuke & despise. I suspect it is not KT who is making me upset, but being the closest to me, he gets to be the one who tips the dominoes of suppressed dissatisfaction, and naturally the one who suffers by it.

maybe we have neglected our relationship... i feel empty, unfulfilled, sometimes even lonely & alone... i pray this is just temporary, n that someone can show me a way out of this valley, cos I tried, and now I think I need someone to rescue me...

constipated

2008-08-06T23:50:00.002+08:00

the title's crude, I know, not my typical writing style, or rather my blogging style...

but yes, that's how I feel now. It's been a month since I last updated my blog, during the silence of the blog, I have gone on a one-week trip in China, had a not-big-nor-small disagreement with Charles, met with lethargy & inertia at my work... realised I have lost my passion for life & love... attempted to rediscover (myself) again, wondering where I've lost me again....

thoughts, thousands of them swimming in my brain everyday since then, like tadpoles in puddles after the rain... they r stuck in my mind, i can't express them, perhaps too jumbled, perhaps too much, perhaps some thoughts r just unspeakable. the irony of blogging is that the reason we publish our rantings on such an open & public platform implies we want to be read... we want someone to share our views, perhaps we were foolishly inspired by writers, by artists... or maybe just the need to make ourselves heard. The double-edged sword cuts when we want to say something on our mind and we fear what is written might cause damage to relationships... expression is no longer unrestrained....

on Sunday while out kayaking, my & some of my crazy friends stumbled casually upon the topic of privacy, be it between a dating couple, a married couple... would we check on our partner's/loved one's personal records just to track that they have been faithful? everyone is aware it's not right, but we conclude that no matter whether we admit it or not, when our instincts tells us something is fishy, our selfish desire to know will overpower our respect for our better half's right to secrecy. the topic was not explored in depth, partly cos we were in our kayaks, under the hot sun, in our life jackets...

a fren of mine is a gifted (in my opinion at least) writer, i love reading the short stories that he wrote. encouraged by me, he started blogging and posting his original works on his blogs. i don't know how but he had gained a small following of loyal readers (i guess I can call them FANS, some of them he had never met in real-life before). He's a high school teacher you see... and being a radical teacher, he treats students as friends and perhaps not without a little materialistic desire for recognition & admiration, he revealed his blog address to his students. So it goes without saying that his loyal fanbase includes some students who looks upon him as teacher, mentor and perhaps their inspiration...

soon after I realised his articles had become far less frequent, and somehow less realistic, in short, just not as moving anymore... n eventually he gave up writing, lost the will to write he said, my guess is he no longer could find the joy in writing. Because he could no longer write freely, everyone began to read too much into his life from what he writes. He lost the freedom to adapt creatively what is happening in his private life, love, marriage, to a fictional literary work, his creations became politically correct, bland & tasteless... not long after, he closed down his blog...

the lust for attention vs the want for privacy.... wishing to share our happiness with the world, yet at the same time, fearing our dark secrets would be known...

life's so-called ironies?...

It's like the fact that I m suffering from constipations.... bloggers' constipation to be exact... so much inside to let out, but it's stuck at my fingertips, just before my manicured fingers land on my keywords to produce words on the screen... i sit in front of my laptop & stare for 2 minutes, then I realise.... Nothing to output.... Nothing to write, that I want people to know.... must writing a book be accompanied inevitably by the heavy cost of being read like an open book?

I wonder....Excuse me while I unconstipate myself... Goodnight...

I just wish I could become as candid as I was when I was young... Freedom... how I miss it...

Knowing HIM

2008-07-08T00:29:00.002+08:00

When people ask me about God, my answer always refer to HIM as a Father.

Why God creates Man? He is a Father who wants a child so HE can love, nurture and interact with...

Why does God allow sin? A father allows his child to make mistakes to learn.

Why does the bible specifically state those who do not follow HIM will not see heaven? How can a father give HIS inheritance to a child who has acknowledged the father's enemy as his own father.

Yet I'd never describe my walk as conscientious, neither disciplined. At best, it'd be emotional, erratic... temperamental even...

I've always been taught that with talents, comes expectations. I have received blessings and opportunities in ministry, some which I have kept better than others, yet none with a soldier-like steadfast-ness. I'd rather things move at a somewhat free, creative, uncontrolled, unrestricted and possibly lazy kinda pace. To me, it's always about LOVE LOVE LOVE... never about WORK WORK WORK.

I just had a revelation about HIM tho that the Father is one who disciplines as well. Being an advocate of the saying "spare the rod, spoil the child", I realised I had never treated my spiritual Father as someone who will discipline me to help me grow. I have never feared Him... I'm the spoilt child who is stubborn, rebellious and prideful. I aspire to be the atypical Christian girl, instead of being a studious, demure Christian graduate, I chose to become an almost tomboyish, hokkien-spouting speed addict, with a love for rock, jazz & fast cars...

I had many experiences of being touched by Him when I am lonely, being healed by Him when I'm hurt, being inspired by Him when I was demotivated... and yet... it was all about LOVE LOVE LOVE, never about me fearing HIM as my Father who would discipline me, because He loves me.

This coming trip, I've been assigned to share about the HS... it's a challenge to me, the huge responsibility to make sure that everything I say is biblically-based... no longer a topic I can "smoke" through...

I'm feeling stressed & moody... and perhaps this is HIS way, of "forcing me" to do something I hate, something I cannot do on my own... so all I can do, is to either choose obedience, or suffer ignorance...

Well then, the choice seems obvious...

the frog prince

2008-06-04T00:11:00.004+08:00

every girl knows that before one can find her Prince, she needs to kiss a few frogs. I have kissed my share of frogs, not to mention how much i abhor frogs.

so I wonder when we find our transformed Prince after we kissed the right frog, how do we know he will not turn back into a frog? Or if he still retains an appetite for pesky six-legged insects? Or even a occasional desire for other female frogs?

Is that transformation really complete? Or do we merely deceive ourselves into believing that Princes exist?

KT and I are going through a tremendously arduous time, and while my mind had rang alarm bells for me to walk away, my deepest heart of hearts knew I would regret abandoning a relationship that will bring me so much. My very being wants to break free from this pain and rise like a phoenix from a heap of ashes, like gold refined and finally rid of impurities.

With each trying day, my heart resounds with an assurance that HE is with us all the way, and it is awesome to see this path unfold with such impeccable timing, that no man could have planned this, and the schemes of the evil one is seeing defeat in the war waged by God himself, holding us with HIS in this victory. I've always known HE is not a tyrant, HE does not demand our submission. But recent episodes have led us to believe that HE has plans in the most delightfully divine ways, and makes mockery of the strong by empowering and honoring the weak. And the wise are humbled by the faith of the foolish.

I dare not claim to be wise nor strong anymore... for like HIS word says - who can by his own strength turn a hair on his head white or black.

But still we are all like Princes who used to be frogs, when we see a passing housefly, we feel the temptation to wrap our tongue around it, but would we enjoy it then? Would the bitter aftertaste disgust us? Or worse, would we be killed or infected by the uncountable germs carried by the annoying insect? With time, we will get better with this new identity, and shed the froggy habits, and adopt princely once, hopefully never looking at another housefly with hungry eyes again.

the journey...

2008-06-03T01:14:00.002+08:00

never ends...

everytime we thought we're there, another winding corner appears and the finishing line is nowhere to be seen.

I have been made humble, to lay down my pride, admitting my ignorance, needs and weaknesses, that I cannot let go... and that I'm in this deeper than I thought. I had thought that I could walk away, but the love binds me, stronger than I had expected.

Sacrifice is a painful lesson, freedom must be bought at a price of blood & tears. A seed must fall to the ground, die, be crushed so that a new plant can bud.

Forgiveness is a painful lesson, a choice that must be made everyday, not unlike a ritual, each day bringing a new challenge, a new struggle, and a new victory to be claimed.

I need time, I need HIM, the answers I seek will not be answered, but for now, I shall let them linger, lest I slip into denial, while my wounds recover. Perhaps the questions is not about seeking an answer, the fact that there is no answer - speaks so much louder about the foolishness and lack of good judgement.

Facing pain is hard, especially when it comes in the form of someone we love. It becomes too easy, to try to move on without accepting, acknowledging and forgiving... but it isn't true forgiveness then, merely another form of denial.

There is a time for everything, a time to smile, a time to rejoice, a time to weep, a time for pain, a time for anger, a time for remorse, a time for rain, a time for storms, a time for rainbows and a time for the sun to shine again. Hence I sit in the rain, with tears on my face, I sit in the storm, against the harsh winds, I wait for the sun to shine... to see the rainbows that remind me of the covenant. Covenants don't expire, I just pray for the faith to see.

Love each other deeply... for love covers a multitude of sins...

2008-04-13T03:35:00.003+08:00

Ever since we began planning for our wedding last month, I've been asked countless times "so he's proposed?" Until I have learnt to come up with a very politically correct "no, not officially" with a big smile so that people will be too embarassed to follow with a "how can like that?!"... hahahahha

I've always been a sucker for romanticism... which is substantially different from romance. While romance is a truthful love relationship between 2 people with a view to accompany each other until death parts them, I am beginning to learn that romanticism is an over-hyped idea that causes men and women to have unrealistic expectations on things that are not even of much significance to the endurance and wellbeing of the relationship.

The right romantic sequence would have been him secretly buying a ring for me and popping the question before telling me of his hopes for us to be married by beginning of 2009. And he did not follow this "right sequence", I have been chiding him, both subtly and straightforwardly. I must admit I was very upset, when he told me of his hopeful wedding date, and I realized he had not planned when to purchase the proposal ring or the proposal date nor method. And my typical female mind went on auto-pilot to assume "how serious is he about me if he doesn't even show me due respect to hope for a wedding even before asking for my hand?"

But through this near month of doing initial groundwork and preparation and speaking to friends I realised how happy they are for me and how much blessings I have from everyone... the message is always "i'm so happy for you". I realised, it's not important how the marriage begins... it is much more important how the marriage moves on and ends one day.

My mum's away for 10 days in China, and my brother, me and my dad have been left at home, maidless... it's been undoubtedly uncomfortable, but I digress. The point is Dad showed me an sms last night from Mum in Chinese "Dear, it's our 31st anniversary today, do u remember? Miss me? How are the 2 kids?" and Dad's reply was (i recall loosely) "All ok, give u a hug, happy anniv, where u now?" 31 years of marriage, out of which, my mum spent 10-15 years of it taking care of us 3 kiddos as a fulltime housewife, and being wife to a husband who works from Monday to Saturday 9am to 10pm, and many Sundays waiting with kids for hubby to finish OT in the afternoon. I commend them and I can only imagine how difficult it is to keep that love, patience and trust.

All these, is the essence of romance... and how much is romanticism worth compared to all this? It's like believing Christmas is all about Santa Claus, and forgetting it's really about the birth, life and sacrifice Christ made, and the grace of God.

anyway... he gave me this and officially asked me if I would marry him today, and I said Yes!... As long as we love and treasure each other, all else is of little consequence...

And we've picked the theme verse for the wedding... "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."... Christ-centered Forgiveness and Love make the foundations of a God-blessed marriage...

chasing butterflies...

2008-04-06T01:16:00.002+08:00

infatuation begins with butterflies in the stomach... that feeling of pitter-patter in our chest, as if our heart wants to leap out of our body from our mouths, and follow hard on the tracks of the object of our affection... oh the rush of adrenaline and the moment of "high" could become so addictive, that like a junkie looking for a fix, we move from one relationship to another... simply chasing the rush of "butterflies"...

then we forget, how fragile butterflies are in reality... how easily their wings break once they are captured, crippling them and condemning them to a life on the ground, on their legs, not unlike ants and cockroaches... once they are captured, their freedom is lost, gone as well, their beauty and attraction...

and then we go in search to capture, the next beautiful free-flying one...

Happiness & Faith

2008-04-06T00:59:00.002+08:00

my friend was telling me about this story she read... about a single mum who taught her children to keep a notebook of thanks, and daily write in it, something to give thanks for. perhaps... i am lacking in that - a spirit of thanksgiving... i dislike myself for complaining, for not giving thanks for all that i have, and for focusing on i, me and myself.

it's hard not to... that while everything in the world i know is teaching me about rising through the ranks, achieving targets through efforts and about announcing accomplishments to gain recognition... that true and joy is in genuine kindness and simple thanksgiving. For christ in me to live, and for me to die to selfish thoughts, to gain eternal peace & joy.

I think this is why the Bible says it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. A person who has too much possessions also has too many fears and inhibitions, when we have too much, perhaps what we lose - is true freedom. Too much knowledge of the things of the world, and it is almost impossible to come before Him with child-like faith. When I became a teenager gaining more knowledge and pride, the wisdom of my father is sometimes viewed as folly and old-fashioned ignorance... but as I come into adulthood, I realise the worth and reality of that wisdom.

Perhaps my faith seems foolish to some, but the alternative to believe in a life void of God's love and guidance seems too fearful a thought to behold. For if I stop believing in the Giver of Life, what meaning is there to Life anymore? It's like trying to operate an appliance without a instruction manual, and forgetting what purpose I purchased it for - the loss of meaning, is too terrifying... and through my experience in Him, I'd rather trust Him and pray... that He will help me keep the foundation of my faith, through my emotional and physical senses, real and tangible...

the wedding of the wedding planner...

2008-03-19T21:24:00.002+08:00

is hoped to be a simple yet memorable affair.

i've compromised by beginning to plan for the wedding without an engagement ring.

Praying for freedom

2008-02-11T01:16:00.000+08:00

I've heard you go through this, so many times before... and at the rate we're going, I know there's gonna be much more...

You tell me how angry you are, for the hurt you have suffered, how you feel injustified and that you deserve so much better. But my dear, I feel like asking you, whatever happen that day on the altar. How a sacred vow could have been taken so lightly, especially by someone as intelligent as you. I really cannot understand.

I have always tried to be there for you, because I know that while the mistake you made is a serious one, it is also one that could possibly happen to me. So I made up my mind, not to judge, and do to you, what I would you do to me.

I see how depressed this thing has made you, it's taken away your joy... like a parasite, it's eating you alive from the inside, until sometimes I realise that what I see, is becoming more and more of an empty shell, devoid of a soul of its own... only a mindless creature consumed by nothing but sadness and anger.

Sadness and regret about the decision that you made, and anger with the world or even God for allowing this to happen to you. I believe that God has not chosen this for you, we choose our own paths, but God allows us to venture our way, because behind every door opened, there's a lesson to be learnt. Although it is easy for us to walk out if we see something that we do not like, but closing a door and walking out means that we give up the chance to emerge from the other end of this tunnel, with a new perspective and one more battle overcome.

Seeing you sad and angry pains me, my heart hurts so much because I know you deserve so much more. We know you have made a mistake somewhere along the line, so why make another mistake by hanging on to the anger? It only allows the mistake to continue ripping damage. Someone told me, he held on to anger long enough, we learn to accept it as part of our life, and turn it into our source of strength, one day we realise, we can't let go of that anger anymore, because we do not want to lose our source of strength... I don't understand how that can be, because I can't bear the heaviness of that burdensome sadness, I was not made to be angry, or depressed... I don't know if anyone is made like that.

That healing cannot come from you, if it can, you would have been healed long ago. If i could, I'd wave this all away with a magic wand of mine. But I can't. And I know a thousand and one worldly ways to solve this problem but I also know that these are just going to rip you apart at the end. The only other alternative, is to go to Him... while He is waiting unconditionally with open arms... you know He's been waiting for you, and He always will, no matter how many times we have disappointed Him... It's His deal with us, and there's no way He's going back on His word. I'll be praying for you, everyday... not for this thing to go away, but that one day, you will not only be released from this physically, but that you will be set free, truly... spiritually...

Back from Siem Reap

2008-02-07T23:59:00.000+08:00

well a month ago actually... but just a recap of the beautiful city of 1000-year-old ancient ruins... the ancient ruins is what has made it a famous tourist area in recent years, mainly after the fall of the Khmer Rouge, the savage communist rebel army that ravaged the country for 3 years and killed an estimated 2 million innocent commoners, wiping out a whole generation... my first trip to Cambodia was 2 years ago, when I visited Phnom Penh on a mission trip and I was told that in many families are left with only the elderly (above 60 years old) and young (below 20 years old), the middle generation would mostly have suffered mishaps during the civil war.

Siem Reap seems quite different from the Phnom Penh that I remember, the heart of the tourist state is a tiny town made of 2-3 main streets that takes on 30 min to walk from one end to the other. Once we travel outside the heart of the city, or rather, town... we reach temples that seem to sprawl out of nowhere in the middle of the dense forestation that surrounds Siem Reap town. The visit to the temples were surreal, the fact that monuments of this grandeur and magnitude can become deserted and eventually get engulfed in tropical rainforest, but get unravelled a thousand years later by archaeologists makes me wonder in amazement even more...

The intricacies of the bas-reliefs on the walls of Angkor Wat, aka the mother of all ancient Angkor ruins, makes me long to spend days to admire and decipher the mysteries carved within the bowels of the colossal beauty. There is hardly any word that can describe how I felt when I was there. I guess yes, size does matter when it comes to impressing people. Of course, I was duly impressed by the dedication and wisdom of the kings and rulers, to inject something as holy as their passion for their faith and something as unholy as their eagerness to show off their wealth and power, into building these temples that reflect both their spiritual and selfish desires.

Our first tuktuk driver, these daredevils swarm the streets of Siem Reap like buzzing bees, from the town area all the way to the temples to the faroff outskirts 30+km away. The long journeys should only be taken by those who do not mind having sandcakes (hot sun+sweat+sand) on their face for 1+hour.

First stop, sunset at Phnom Bakheng, our driver tells us (but I think he exaggerrates) that more than 1000 come to view the sunset here everyday. Cambodia has beautiful sunset because of its dry inland climate, there is almost no cloud so one can enjoy complete sunrise and sundown... including the sky becoming orange-pink-blue multicoloured canvas post-subdown and pre-dawn.

before we left for the activities on our first day. a streak of strong sunlight shines just right on the pretty lotus flower on the breakie table.

Our first sunrise, @ Sras Srang, the king's "swimming pool", a summer palace of sorts and a "cleansing bath" for the king before he conducts spiritual rites (again, i'm not sure). A much quieter alternative compared to sunrise hotspot Angkor Wat.

Banteay Kdei

The Bayon

my favorite insect :)

Ta Prohm , of Tomb Raider fame, I was wondering how the tree got there on to the roof of the temples , with roots spilling to both side of the building, then a taiwanese tour guide enlightened me. It just started as a tiny plant on the roof, from the droppings of some bird that act its fruit.

The magnificently beautiful Angkor Wat
The Moat at Angkor Wat after sundown

Banteay Samrei
Angkor Wat, and its famous lily pool

In Angkor Wat at sunset.

Dancers aka Asparas - my favorite motif amongst the many, graceful and VERY life-like

It's nice to take a break... especially with good company. and I was glad that we had such a great time this trip... no quarrels at all in fact - even tho

i want to see many things, but he controls our budget
i'm a sucker for keeping things organised but he tends to do things last minute

Despite our differences, it was a very smooth and pleasant trip, too short no doubt... but absolutely amazing :)

For more pictures, see here.

in another time, in another place...

2008-01-30T00:44:00.000+08:00

i'll never forget how it started, my smiles at your silly jokes that no one else will laugh at
how i try not to look at you though I know u're in the room
yet i know your eyes would be searching for u amongst the crowd,
i'd always smile with a blush when our eyes meet
and my heart skips a beat... it felt like time was in slow motion...
there was so much expressed in those few seconds, even though nothing was said
those long rides in the car, mindless chats that always seems to end too soon
late night phonecalls and text messages...
keeping us anticipating, yet hesitating to reply too brashly
all this while my heart flutters... i never know it could feel this way
i thought after all i've been thru, i have become the wisest of women
and i shall not be fooled by my emotions again...
if only that was true

beneath all this sweetness and romantic intimacy...
an ominous unease brews... for a while, it was clouded out by our puppy love-like excitement
but we knew one day we must pay
which day would it be? we had no clue, and we didn't care, we just wanted each other... here and now
but slowly i awake... not from the feelings of loving you... but awakened to the consciousness that i had to let you go
even more so if i do love you
we both have things we must go back to... this forbidden sweetness must cease soon
despite my bleeding heart, i knew... i must let you go...

move on my love, I only wish we had met at a different time,
in another place...
make my sacrifice worthwhile...
for u, i have suffered an unbearable pain... not knowing when it will end
everytime i hear your name... it feels like someone sprinkled salt on my freshcut wound again...
can someone tell me why, after so long, the torture feels so fresh still...
i want so much to embrace you again... to feel your gentle fingers comb thru my hair and face...
to hear you speak gentle words of adoration to me, telling me how you have never felt the same for anyone else...
sometimes... between lines we share, i let slip a little of my dark secret... i hope you didn't catch it... but secretly i hoped you can tell... that i had never forgotten you...
do u feel the same way? I don't know... if you do... you hid it so well....
some nights i still cry... thinking of the things we could have shared...

but it is not to be... tho i wished... we could meet again... somehow...
in another time... another place...

the accidental demise of friendship

2008-01-19T14:16:00.000+08:00

in an attempt to lose weight, i joined P Fitness near my new office, and realised I sooo need a pair of new sneakers. 2-3 (?) years ago, a friend brought me to Qway and lured me into the occult of Asics track shoes. It's my first and only pair of asics so far, but defininitely my favorite brand of sports shoes, and I loved the shop assistant. so this many years later, I wanted to find her namecard cos I cant remember which shop it was, among its one hundred thousand competitors in the same building...

to my horror, i couldnt find my little blackbook (well, it's a namecard folio) with the namecards of my fav shops, hairstylist, beauticians, clinics etc. I know I havent been using it much, but i know it's always lying within my sight on my always messy desk. the contents in the dump of my desk will change, but the namecard holder has become a PR there for years! but when i wanted to find it ytd morning... it was gonee!!!!! *PANIC!!**

I ran to my mum and asked frantically if she'd seen it... she said my maid took it out of my dustbin not too long ago. "DUSTBIN!!??" I exclaimed. She said calmly "ya, she thought it might b something useful so decided to pick it out from the garbage."

THANK GOD SHE DID!! here's how it happened. My dustbin is very conveniently positioned under the edge of my desk, so my handy booklet must have accidentally dropped into the bin without me realising, while i pushed the rest of my mess around on the table. It was literally squeezed out of my desk... into the trash.

and to my amusement i thought, that's exactly what happened to some of my most memorable friendship - unwittingly sacrificed to give more space to the new things (and friends) that was happening in my life.

and just half an hour ago, while clearing my drawer of precious stuff, i found 2 chinese new year cards from a friend who passed away almost 2 years ago - he had always been faithful to send me a CNY card (albeit obiang one) and i have never ever returned the favor... and now he is no more.

sigh, cest la vie

The truth shall set them free...

2007-11-28T00:48:00.000+08:00

EXCUSES... Why do people cook up excuses? To avoid getting into trouble? To make the other party feel less disappointed? To make themselves look better?

My honest opinion, I think it's really pride. More than all the noble excuses of "not wanting to agitate the excusee", I think it's jus a whole lot of ego. E.g. I'm a habitual latecomer, but I always have plenty of excuses - whether it's the bad traffic, lousy Singaporean drivers, my mum suddenly wanting to chat with me just when I'm stepping out of the house, or simply the most common excuse: "I'm not feeling well." We try to use the most credible of excuses not only to get ourselves out of trouble, but deep down it's just us, refusing to admit our own fault.

Why do we do it? Because in an ideal world, we are infallible - I expect a trip to Suntec would take me 30 mins from CCK even during peak hours, when in actual fact I should have well anticipated the jams on ECP would prolong my journey to an optimistic 45 min.

I have co-workers who despite me giving them one whole month of notice that I want a certain thing done. And he had the cheek to come tell me on D-1 day that "I'm not sure if it can be ready tomorrow?" When asked further, he claims he has a lot of other work to do... If I'm allowed to be frank, I would have told him "I don't freaking care what other jobs u had to do, u agreed to this date, so u better hand it to me DONE on time!" Could I have torn his fancy excuse apart on the spot and embarassed him? I could have, but I didnt, and mayb I should have.

Sometimes excuses when carried too far, backfires. Excuses, simply put, is saying something without any intention of fulfilling it. An excuse used too often, instead of getting us out of trouble, might get us into even DEEPER trouble... so when will we learn, that sometimes the best way to get out of trouble - is to face up to the truth, even though it hurts, rather than trying to cover it, because 1 day eventually the truth will bite us in the ass... when we least need it to.

And I learn today yet another meaning of this verse "They shall know the truth, and the truth shall set them free"

because sometimes the truth hurts, but lies hurt even more... both the liar, and the lie-ee

Meanders unfold into an path...

2007-11-20T23:40:00.000+08:00

leading upstream...

I got the job... it's funny how one door can open and I suddenly see why my career path was made to take so many (seemingly meaningless) meanders... i gave up a seemingly stable job in an MNC after graduation 7 yrs ago... worked there for 3 yrs, left to (try to) carve my own business - failed miserably, i had no idea how to start even. Joined my dad in the automotive insurance business... and gradually moved on to automotive sales, it came to a point I asked myself if my degree adds any value to what I am doing.... and sadly, the answer is not an affirmative one.

But this job came and I realise... if not for all the turns I've taken, I wouldnt have landed in this job straight after my first job... because I could never have seen myself in a sales job. The only reason I became a car salesperson was because I liked cars. But after joining the sales industry, I have expanded and enjoyed it so much, I knew I wouldnt have things any other way.

It's amazing how He can make everything so clear in an instant... I'm glad I held on long enough, and thankful for the people and guidance He had blessed me with. Equally thankful that He had scared me into seeking other jobs desperately, sent me this open door at the right time, and made sure the key was in my hand... so all I had to do was open it...

Hallelujah, praise be to God

Plans to prosper u

2007-10-05T00:49:00.001+08:00

Got 2 calls today for job interviews. Praying hard...

Forget about the grass on the other side

2007-10-05T00:34:00.000+08:00

during dinner with my best friend, we were lamenting about our lives. She's in her current job for about half a yr and it requires her to travel nearly half the time. Incidentally, she had just gotten married earlier this year, a couple of months before she got offered this job. I was surprised at her remark that if she had known earlier that she would be travelling so much in this new job, she wouldn't have gotten married so early...

I felt surprised because if I were engaged to be married in less than a year and was offered such job, I would probably turn down the job for the sake of staying in Singapore and setting up home with my new hubby. She replied to say well, maybe it is because the reality is that she IS married now, therefore the grass on the other side of the fence seems greener. If she were really single, she'd probably feel lonely and chose to marry instead...

When we're single, we wanna be in a relationship. When we're in a relationship, we ogle at another person's partner. When we can't find jobs, we envy those with a stable job. When we're working, we want a long holiday.

So true, we never learn to treasure something until we have lost it - be it a relationship, freedom, trust or an opportunity. Never crossed our minds that this might be the last day we see our loved one, it could be the last goodbye, the last kiss or even the last embrace. But no... when we have it within reach everyday, we never really appreciate its presence, as if it's something we can function without, not unlike air, we never notice it, until we are suffocating or drowning, then we realise how tragically fragile our lives are, ceasing so easily at the lack of a simple invisible substance.

KT is away for 2 nights, I miss his voice...

Turn back the clock

2007-09-26T09:58:00.000+08:00

I changed my template again... the old one just seemed a little stale and too arty, doesnt suit my current state of mind - so this time i'm going with a standard template from blogger.com... something a lot more down-to-earth.

Last night, i missed prayer meeting, which was supposed to end at 9.30, because of some last minute errands to deliver something to a customer. I reached home really early like 7.35pm, and thought i could really make use of those extra hours i was going to spend at home to do some reading, thinking it wouldn't hurt to just spend a gew minutes relaxing in front of the TV, ate my dinner... and did some channel flicking but before i knew it... it was 10.45pm!

the first thought that came to my head was "shoot! i wished it was only 9pm now..." then I realised how silly it was for me to think that... cos it was simply impossible and I only had myself to blame for wasting time when I had plenty of it.

my mum used to tell me - the older we get, the more we realise how time flies by too quickly. It's so true... Went out with a friend last week and we were reminiscing the crazy things we did last time, those leisurely chats by the Changi Airport runways... chatting about hopes and dreams, and it didnt occur to me that one day, things will change, we will grow older, be bogged down by more responsibilities, have our respective partners and to get a chance to sit down with each other would be sooo rare...

but still after many years, the connection can be re-found so fast... over a meal of grilled stingray, sambal kangkong and sotong, followed by a glass of wine and cider in C&F. the chemistry is definitely still there... but too much has changed since then... and no, we can't go back in time anymore

the self-destruct button

2007-08-17T01:02:00.000+08:00

i just caught Jay Chou's latest attempt at movie direction - Secret. It's a story that started with mushily innocent puppy love. Maybe every cynic was like that before they become a cynic, in the first half hour, I sat in the cinema telling myself I would have loved this movie so much if I had watched this 10 years ago, when I was naive and full of lofty, unrealistic aspirations of love and how it should be. When I was brave enough to hold the notion that first love would naturally be the most memorable if not the only love in a lifetime, yet after the first half an hour, I found my shell melted by Gui Lun-Mei, Jay Chou and the beautiful classical piano pieces in this film.

In this show, there was no pretense, no attempts to be exceptionally intelligent, no sinister bad guy (except fate, perhaps), just good old-school romantic. I think Jay bit off exactly as much as he could chew, not overly ambitious in terms of cinematography, slightly cheesy in some parts especially CSI-series-like zoom-in to the innards of the piano when the concertos are being played but overall he chose not to focus on overly elaborate sets, but to flaunt what he was best at - music and romanticism.

He got me, just when I thought I had buried all my fantasies about love and romance, to become a pragmatic. Jay Chou, with one film, awakened that side of me that is hopeless... a hopeless romantic, that is... and towards the end I was rooting for him, and I knew I would have done exactly what he did, to pursue the love worthwhile - even if it might cost him his life... because what life is worth living, if it was at the expense of a love lost...

Every love begins like that - puppy love, the excitement, rapid heartbeat butterflies in the stomach, that uncontrollable grin when we recall some stupid thing he said, the adrenaline (or pheromone?) rush that keeps us awake at night just to hear a lover's voice for hours on the phone. Feelings that make us do crazy things like her staying up all night to burn a CD compilation of his favorite songs so he can listen in his car everyday, take time off from work just to run home to make him some herbal tea for his sore throat, skip a day of work to recce across the Causeway to see where he can bring her to see fireflies that she's never seen. It happens to everyone, from age 17 to 70 - the blossoming of a new romance, as tempting as a self-destruct button, that tells us to throw every warning we've heard to the wind.

We can never explain why against the best of our efforts, our heart wins in that struggle and makes us walk in the exact opposite direction that our head wants us to... the romantics in us, needless to say, responds to the tug at the strings of our heart, risking our marriage, disregarding objections from our friends, even ignoring all the warnings signs our own eyes can see, it doesn't matter if our heads are screaming for us to stop and turn back, our hearts overrules it all... and like a mesmerized moth to a flame... we approach, not without hesitation... but it's the hesitation that tells us how much we really want to feel that fire, even it means getting burnt to death...

It's not that we do not know the price we pay for that shortlived passion would be great, the pain we'd have to face one day, when we awake from this dream. Love turned sour, one time after another... but we still want to keep on trying, still we carry the hope... but again and again we get disappointed. So much in our hearts we want to say, yes - he is the one, whose hand I will hold till death - whom I will love through sickness and in health - (ironically I feel health or good times present more opportunities to stray than in bad times, sickness).

Is it me? Is it just the sinful nature? Is it the devil tempting? Or is it just a fact, that every love will fade to a mundane routine? And I would find myself enticed to run into the arms of someone new and more exciting? If I do find a hopeless romantic like myself, will I really be happy? What if I run into one such person after I'm married? Everyone is dreaming of running into that perfect someone... but the fact is I would never become a perfect someone, perhaps that's why no relationship will ever be perfect?

I better stop writing, before I confuse myself further... keke

To Yunnan, with love

2007-07-22T11:17:00.000+08:00

i went without much expectations, thinking it'd be yet another of those trips... touching but merely an emotional experience. before we departed, I was given a word -"you will find a new faith", she said this what He told her to tell me... so there, HE wanted me to expect something. i had to force myself to get over the culture shock on the first day, it was not that hard, afterall it isnt my first trip. but the toilet conditions left much to be desired, even though by local standards, it was already rather luxurious.

the first 2 days passed rather quickly - at the end of the 2 days we told HIM that HE has to do something, or else the young ones would have wasted their time here... and we know HE planned more than that... so we pleaded and petitioned, hoping HE would listen. Each of us had a session to take - to stand up there and teach them the lessons of LIFE - of spiritual life that is, rather irrelevant at first - cos we realised they didnt know if they had any... we knew we had to go back to basics - and we had to tell them more than what was in the book - we must pour out our lives to them.

HE was a man of HIS word - and gave us what we asked for, rained down the blessings, spoke to them, and they opened their hearts and there was lotsa crying. the thing about young ones is that they have such tender, teachable hearts - ready to accept things that they do not understand. simple hearts - the thing city dwellers lack, thinking they have all the wisdom and intelligence they need, but yet making messes out of their lives.

HIS followers, like us, mess up too but then we know where to run to, to the Papa who loves us. So the doors of hearts were opened and everything changed. HE moved, they experienced HIM and I'm sure they would remember it for the rest of their lives. It was a rain of blessings... like after a drought. It was a touching scene, those who started the camp with a straight face - kneeling before HIM and weeping. Young faces covered with tears, boys and girls alike, it wasnt the music, it was HIS spirit.

Indeed HE can change lives, as HE did with ours. But the young ones have much to go through, faith must be able to withstand trials. There are hard lessons we must learn in order to grow, and like newborn turtles that must survive the crawl to the ocean without getting eaten by gulls... they must choose their own paths n brave the world...

Be strong, my precious young lives... You have my love and prayers....

Too much at a time

2007-05-24T12:14:00.000+08:00

Many many thoughts... all random... sorry for the mess, but u just have to read n decipher... cos this is my state of mind now... too many things on my mind...

RELATIONSHIP
during the PMC, we were told by my pastor that the results of our "relationship test" showed that we had somewhat unrealistic expectations abt romance and marriage. both of us agreed strongly with the statement that "romance will not fade after marriage" - and we were advised to take off our rose-tinted glasses and wake up our idea.

perhaps it's true, perhaps this is the exact reason why my relationships never lasted, that i've been overly idealistic about how a relationship would eventually become less romantic and more pragmatic. yet part of me, being the hopeless romantic is too stubborn to admit or to accept that advice, secretly wishing that somehow i'd be special and lucky enough to find something and someone different - then reality bites...

he too has moods, just as i am entitled to feel moody and grouchy for no good reason. i have to accept him for that too perhaps? the cynic part of me is telling the neurotic part of me to stop whining and move on. try as i might, in the beginning he can treat me like a princess but how long can that last. In real life, princesses divorce, get involved with other men and get pursued by paparazzi and die in car accidents... Fairy tales do not exist.

THE RELENTLESS PURSUIT OF UNDERSTANDING MYSELF
I've always tried to stay positive, but it's hard to do. But I need to indulge in wallowing sometimes, feel a bit melancholic, abit emo. so it's true I am not a simple person, it's just something I have to accept. When something happens, I can relate a hundred other things to it - look at it from different angles - where, why he said that, why she reacted that way, who, what, how it could be avoided, how other people see it, how it should be, how it shouldnt be, and what happens next... bla bla bla... it intrigues me to analyse, to argue, I even pride myself at my ability to think in depth.

Then I realise all these is of zilch value, cos I can't use it to earn $! It's all about $ and achievement. Each job I took required me to learn new skill sets, learning new things is never a problem, it's always fun to learn new things until I realise some of the "new" skills I learn requires me to kill my soul, to ignore my emotions, and even change part of my personality... then it becomes a struggle - to just be PROFESSIONAL. Emotional detachment they say, is the key to be professional, to be detached without being cold... aint that a challenge? I cry when I am upset, I laugh when I am happy, I sulk when I am upset, I stutter when I am afraid. This is the way that God makes me, yet I am branded as being "too emotional" and "incapable of controlling my emotions" *SULK* so if emotions are god-given, as is the ability to control them, why the heck is it so hard?

A time to weep...

2007-04-26T01:35:00.000+08:00

I remember a time, a time when i stayed up way past midnight into the early Sunday morning, just to watch my favorite Chinese MTV coundown. A time where sad love songs made me all melancholic, of what, I never knew... The time of silly teenage lovers, of innocent puppy love... where it was sweet just to be able to study together for the A levels. Where I had no idea what was real loneliness, where I loved staring out of my window looking at the midnight rains, and feel sad for no reason, just for the fun of it... and stare at raindrops falling from just outside my window, finding their way to the ground in the dim street lighting... We broke up but stayed the best of friends but maybe he always had a special place in my heart...

I remember the time where every freshman around me was attached, where it was cool to stay in the hall, but me, being the accidental outcast did not have a room-mate to stay with, so I was still stuck to my room. Love then was a short 1 month stint with someone who was on a rebound, and I was still full of myself thinking I was the one who chose to let him go, deliberately ignoring the fact that I was being taken for a ride... I still never stopped believing in love.

Then the big one, the time where I fell in love with a younger boy, who so wanted to become my man... and to our own surprise, we stuck together for almost 4 years... why we parted was a mystery to all except myself. But the time after that was the worst - ridden by guilt, afraid of hearing sad lovesongs, paranoid of going anywhere that would remind me of him. So many times, I was tempted to tell him I want him back... just so I could be in someone's arms again, just so I don't have to be alone. Those very very depressing 10 months - 10 long months he didnt know about. When the doctor told me my skin condition could have been caused by depression, I realised how serious it was. I could have been nearly clinically depressed... it must have been God's grace that saved me. But I was human, and was not spared the mental torment, the constant dread of weekends, constantly trying to fill my schedule with work and play, afraid that just one idle minute will start me thinking and crying again. Friends wanted to lend a helping hand, but I knew those hands could do little to comfort me or to keep my pillow from becoming wet with tears almost every other night, with dreams of what could have been. There was no word to describe that misery, that pain, that was more than metaphorical... I could actually feel a pressure around my chest - this is when I truly learnt the meaning of heart-wrenching... and I thought I could never heal... Then I learnt, what doesn't break u, makes u stronger...

After him I met some more, some who were not meant to be, they had nasty names for people like that, but just not worth mentioning... those who had greater loves, before me, those ended badly... and I learnt I was more in love than I thought, and yet maybe less in love that I thought...

Today I am here, listening to the songs of yesterday, recalling the stories of my past... watching the story of those around me unfold... How would this one end? How far have I sunken? Maybe I'll never know, until the day it ends...

Yet now all I can remember about being alone, is that crippling fear of having all the free time to sit on my bed and let my thoughts and tears run wild...

Marriage preparation class (Part 2) - the relationship personality?

2007-04-16T10:26:00.000+08:00

yesterday during MPC, we did a compatibility test. the results won't be out till next week but statistics showed 1 out of 2 couples whose results showed they were not "suitable" for each other end up in divorce within the first 5 yrs. At first, it sounded like the test was going to magically predict whether our personalities were suited for each other n bla-bla-bla... at least that was how i thought when i first heard of it, i thought it'd be more of an analysis of our individual personality and temperament (having done a few individual temperament tests during this course) and how compatible we could be. So of course I was skeptical! turns out that the questions, which we answer how much we agree with each statement, were like the following:

"The time I spend with my partner are the best time ever"
"Nothing is going to change my love for my partner"
"We have discussed how many children we will have after marriage"
"We have discussed how much money we will spend after marriage"
"We have discussed how to split household responsibilities after marriage"
"I am completely comfortable with sharing my negative feelings with my partner"
"I enjoy spending time with some of his friends/family members"
"I have a number of good qualities"

Obviously most of the questions were more about how the "quality" of the relationship, important issues that should be discussed before marriage, and to some degree, the individual's self-esteem, than the personality of the individual. So yea, then it makes more sense cause it measures how "ready" the couple is to make the marriage/relationship work out.

The instructor (who's also my pastor) said he and his wife still attend marriage enrichment "lessons"/workshops, despite being married for more than 10 years and having 2 children. He admitted the lessons bring him new insight and serve as a reminder never to be complacent about his marriage. I thought it's really interesting cos I come from a typical Chinese family where very little is mentioned about relationships and marriage. Sometimes I think my family is a little dysfunctional, considering the fact that my dad pays very little attention to the lives of his wife and children. One very odd evidence is the fact that he never remembered the name of my ex of 4 yrs... 4 yrs, and after i broke up, he asked "u're not together with the FRIEND of yours liao?" He's either forgotten my ex's name, or doesn't think his name is worth mentioning.

I'm not blaming my dad for anything, this is just him - and I'm sure this is rather common among Singaporean families - very little mushy things r said, and matters of the heart r seldom discussed. In fact, we had attend MPC to learn non-offensive ways of communicating our emotions to our partners... some of the "students" expressed how some of the things we learnt in class felt awkward and impractical, and came to a consensus that this would not have been necessary if our culture encouraged open expression and acceptance of differences.

But no our culture is ridden with fear - fear of not being accepted, fear of losing, fear of being punished/fined, fear of losing control, fear of being different... Many people I know refuse to acknowledge the usefulness of MPC or even counselling, but in a society as disfunctional and fearful as this, it's very useful to remember, "Pride comes before a fall" and there's nothing wrong with accepting some help along the way.

Admittedly, I have quite a bit of pride in the way I do things, and it sucks to be corrected during MPC. Having to learn new ways of "communication" seems a little silly and even unrealistic, but then at the end of the day, it gets a lot easier for me and him if I just lose my pride and adopt a more teachable attitude - because, losing a bit of face is a small price to pay, if I can gain a better relationship. I wanna become a better person, so I can be a better girlfriend/wife.

EMOTIONS

2007-04-11T01:36:00.000+08:00

The Chinese saying goes like this... a hundred years of good deeds begets a shared boat ride, a thousand years of good deeds begets a night's sleep in a shared bed. It's to describe how precious it is to find someone to share one's life with.

I've been going for MPC aka marriage prep course with Charlie Brown, it came as a surprise to many, maybe even to myself. We've been together for 6 months.

It's interesting - the things we learnt during the class, I realised how emotionally handicapped I am - I had difficulty expressing my emotions and feeling. It's extremely difficult for me to simply express how I feel in an amicable, neutral yet unblaming (if there's such a word), I was either too detached, or overly involved, crying and shouting while trying to express my emotions. Perhaps I knew abt this handicap of mine long ago - the fact that I hate to manage conflicts, and when I am angry, I do not speak of how I feel, instead I just cry, unable to describe or explain how I feel and why I feel that way.

So there, instead of being a cg leader who is supposed to be able to connect with members' emotions, I have problems managing mine.

Pickings from Phuket

2007-02-06T15:22:00.000+08:00

Day 1:
Took Tiger Airways from Budget Terminal at 7am. Liked the BT for the fact that it is very basic, no frills but still very thoughtful with Han's restaurant and lotsa shops in the passengers area. Landed in Phuket on time and took a minibus service (150B per pax) to Patong area, available from airport counter, had to wait till they have enough passengers to fill one vehicle, about 15 min for us.

On the way to Patong, the minibus stopped at a travel agency, where they tried to sell packages to tourists, everyone must get down the bus and speak to a sales consultant. We were offered 1800B per pax for a one day trip to Phi-Phi Island (later at Patong, we were offered B1400 per pax, this is still expensive but supposed to be more reliable than those B600 per pax from unreliable agencies). Seems like no one took up any of the offers, the group was then split up, me, bf and another singaporean couple were taken to our hotels in Patong. Don't know what happened to the rest, might have taken up the packages and were being ferried to another place in another vehicle...

It was too early when we reached the hotel, about 9am local time. So we hung around at the beach and walked around Patong. The beach was INFESTED with beach chairs. 3 whole rows of chairs... but nice friendly peddlers who asked if we wanted to rent the chairs, some Thai massage by the beach or a jetski ride, we declined.

Checked into our hotel at 2pm Amanta House. very budget, shophouse place. the decor was boutique Chinese, no swimming pool but we're not complaining, it was cheap and 5 min walk to the beach. But not much service to speak of, staff could speak reasonable English and was fairly friendly, fresh towels in the room daily, and beach towels was available to guests.

Went to Simon Cabaret that night, the "ladies" were good but somehow I didnt feel it's worth the ticket price, cos the ladies were only lip-syncing, maybe we're just 2 bumpkins who couldnt appreciate art. haha

In the evening, I had mango and glutinous rice from the roadside stall outside our hotel... it was divine! hehe oh and a pizza at an irish bar.

Day 2:
Woke up late, breakfast at Subway. Program for today is Kata Beach!! We took a bus from Patong to Phuket Town (B25 per pax) then another sawngthaew from Phuket town to Kata (B25 per pax) - do note that there are 2 bus terminals in Phuket town, the one where sawngthaews depart for the beach resorts and the one where inter-state buses (to places like bangkok, krabi) departs, they are very far from each other (like 30 min walk, we know cos we walked to the wrong terminal)

Kata was beautiful, highly recommended for beach-lovers!! Coconuts and beach chair rental were at same price (B40 for coconut, B80 for beach chair). The crashing waves was good for amateur surfing. Plenty shops and restaurants, and definitely more classy and more midmarket compared to chaotic Patong.

Went for massage at Oriental Thai Massage outside Deevana which was like 3 mins walk from our hotel. Paid 800B per pax for 1 hr Thai + 1 hr oil massage. I personally preferred the Thai massage cos they seemed more professional at it, the oil massage was alright but somehow felt like the therapist was not strong and accurate enough to release the tensed muscles.

Dinner that night was seafood at the roadside stall, about B800 for 2 pax, we had crab, prawns, fish and kangkong. Not too bad, but i wasnt particularly impressive, it was cheap tho!

Day 3:
Check out from Amanta House and head to Bangtao Village Resort at Bangtao Beach.
We should have taken a taxi or tuktuk!!! thought Bangtao was as accessible as Patong and Kata and boy were we wrong, our sawngthaew from Phuket Town dropped us on a main road that had a sign pointing towards Bangtao Beach - it was pointing into a small village road that led us into a kampong and we walked 45 mins to get to the beach, not without help from kind strangers.

No tuktuk was in sight, the kampong was refreshing for those who are kampong girls at heart (like me), most residential houses seemed newly built and signs of destruction from the tsunami was still evident. Upon reaching the hotel, the receptionist was shocked and asked how we got there, we said we walked... wahhahahah she looked at us pitifully at made us feel like idiots!!

The resort was alright, kinda run-down tho it had just resumed operation since Apr 06 after it closed due to the tsunami. Bangtao was obviously recovering much slower than Patong and Kata. The waves were gentle, and everything felt more ulu there... hotel had much better service, free vouchers for beach-chairs, nice little swimming pool, and the works... beach was not as nice as Kata, no big waves here...

We went to a beachside restaurant and had green curry chicken, tom yam kung, stir-fried beef with red curry sauce and stir-fried mixed vege all for B500. Waited for nearly 45 min for the food, but it was nice... we were sitting very very very near the water tho... the waves came so near... barely a metre from where we were sitting...

Next morning we checked out and spent the rest of the time at the beach, just lazing, chatting and wishing we didnt have to go back so soon... weather for the past days had been real nice... soon it was time to say bye-bye to Phuket. We took a hotel transfer to airport for B500. Flight was delayed at the airport for nearly an hour, but that's alright... just that no information was conveyed to poor passengers who waited at the door at the original stated boarding time and had to stand for nearly 1 hr...

Overall, we were on a budget trip, but it was really the company that mattered, and just making the best of whatever situation and money we had... must say that despite the budget constraints, we still had lotsa fun during this trip... and are now already planning the next ones... to Phuket, Cameron, KL, and Canada! WoohoO!!

Blogger's block lar!

2007-01-27T14:23:00.000+08:00

i was having dinner with my cg members last nite about blogging and creative writing. i think with the accessibility and massive reach of the internet, it gives everyone and anyone a chance to try their hands at creative writing. one of them said she writes poetry, and i realised how beautiful this is. we're no longer restricted by the rule that only those who write good enough to be published can get their works appreciated by others.

then i asked another question: does she feel more inspired when she is feeling depressed? i asked her that because I do. as i browse through my blog archives, it's not hard to notice i blog the most when i am sad, depressed, confused or angry. somehow, the happy posts are just not as interesting and moving to read... at least to me la.

there's so much rubbish on the net now. youtube, blogs, forums... the other day i was reading les dames, a local female forum. the thread discussion was about one of my current favorite mediacorp tv dramas called the Peak. i'm not about to give free publicity for the show, but the guts of the girls to make really childish and immature comments (aka bitching) about the actresses and actors just disgusts me really.

somehow i feel the freedom of expression we have on this www us also made us less sensitive and kind? hiding behind the anonymity (save for IP addresses) has made us bolder but more cruel. i'm sure that streak of cruelty has always been there in us but the internet has given us strength in numbers, many girls bitching together, more shiok, and more salt and pepper to spice things up also. seriously, don't people have better things to do (with the internet)?

through this online world, i have also made precious acquaintances... my darling potato is one of them (keke...) it has also provided me a channel to vent out frustrations, aptly put by my cg member "i write about my feelings, when there is no one i can talk about them".

so what really is motivating us, to express ourselves, through blogs and forums - a desire to be heard but not seen? or simply a place where we can be someone we hope to be whom in reality, we are not?

Love & Marriage

2006-12-21T02:06:00.000+08:00

my best friend is getting married on 1 Jan. and i'm supposed to give a speech at her wedding dinner. drats! i hate to b on stage, i think i wil convulse n foam in the mouth on stage to avoid giving the speech. we've known each other since our teenage yrs and have had our fair share of "good friends" rivalry - bad relationships (once with the same guy summore, although not at the same time). and after we graduated from uni ,we lost touch for a while, but somehow along the way, we were brought back together, more mature, more willing to accept each other, including our differences in thoughts and values. but i do believe that God was there to hold and guard this friendship we have.

there are some things which we hold very dear to our hearts, especially things that were recovered which we thought we lost. especially bosom friends - when boyfriends come and go, i truly realised that yes it is our friends who stay by our side... apart from Jesus of course.

1 jan coincidentally is also my 3-months anniversary with charlie brown, it's been a really lovey-dovey 3 months, my romantic indulgence seems very obvious even to those whom i m not close to, male colleagues have commented at how contented i looked ever since the beginning of my romance.

it's been a really different relationship this one. with my previous ones, i never had the confidence of planning for marriage. even the 4-yr relationship i had, i dared not think abt going for PMC (aka pre-marital class). mostly because i wanted to be very sure that marriage was in the pipelines before going for the class. but with charlie brown, we're considering going for the next class my church is organising in Apr, we're barely 2 months into our relationship! i cant explain the change in me, my best fren comments that i am indeed different in this relationship, very "liberated" in her own words...

true, with him, i am extremely at ease with myself... and he still tolerates my tantrums, and never ever lost his patience with me. he is the first bf i have had that says when i cry, he can't do anything but say sorry, no matter whether he was in the wrong, he just wanted me to stop crying, cos his heart wrenches in pain when he hears me cry.

on one hand, i am so blissfully in love, so immersed in sweet-nothings and full of confidence that this is it. on the other hand, i am not a child, i know how ugly things can become. the devil's advocate in me keeps telling me i have only known him for 4 months, who knows what skeletons remains in some hidden closet? on one hand i want to announce to the world that i m truly happy in love, on the other hand, i fear having to explain to the world what happened if i ever break-up.

so do i still have my fears? of cos i do... but dun't we all? never quite satisfied with the present, never fully convinced that the good things we have wil stay with us... the cynic in me tells me to brace myself in case something bad happens... but wouldn't it be even sadder if i discover that i had not even fully ravelled in the joys of being in love?

so mayb that is what i am going to, to love him, to appreciate him, to treasure every moment we have together, to love truly, madly, deeply and hold on to the passion for as long as i can... and try to rekindle it in whatever way i can so that the flame keeps burning and burning and burning...

credit goes to him for never losing his patience with me, especially when i am particularly short-tempered when i am stressed abt my sales results. many times i look at him, and wonder to myself, what is it that i ever saw in him, to make me so in love with him, and somehow altho i can't seem to give a rational explanation... being in love with him seems to b the only rational thing to do.

The bestest week of my life!

2006-10-10T10:06:00.000+08:00

I'm in LOVE
at 12 am, 1 Oct, exactly 1 month after our first meeting, I became the gf of Charlie Brown, I call him that because his real name is Charles.

For the whole month ever since we met, we've been chatting almost for entire days on MSN and over the phones. Things happened so fast, I surprised even myself. But there's something about Charlie Brown that melts me, that genuine sincerity, the gentleness and the willingness to put himself in a vulnerable position. Knowing that it would take long time before I heal from the hurts I've received, he still waits for me patiently. Maybe it's got to do with his kentang and marketing background, he's just so expressive with his feelings and has such a way with words. I really do have a lot to learn from him in this area.

Life is kinda different now. I'm smiling when i read his sms, smiling when i MSN, smiling when i get his calls, heck i think I'm even nicer to my family because I'm in such a lovey-dovey mood. He does silly things to make me happy. We're both fans of Grey's Anatomy - so he's my McNerdy and I'm his McPuppy. I have someone who will go to Sentosa, Bird Park, kite-flying, picnicking at Botanic Gardens... all those crazy things that I love to do, I've finally found the one to do them with. Sometimes the neurotic part of me thinks it's too good to be true. I guess it happens after being lonely and having messed up for a few times, somehow to protect myself from getting hurt, i was tempted to believe maybe no one can really be happy in a relationship, that there has to be a catch somewhere... and even now I sometimes question when we will wake up from this euphoria.

But no, I so don't want this to end. We so want to be with each other with a long long time. It's just so nice to find someone who is so connected with me. I almost want to thank the someone for setting me free, so that I could find my Charlie Brown... whom I adore, and who adores me... hehehehe

WORK, WORK, WORK
and last week i closed my first 2 deals. It's not been the smoothest so far, but the hiccups are making me learn the most in the shortest time.

This morning as I saw my dad go to work, I suddenly felt so thankful to God for this job that I have, finally I am doing something I love, and actually earning $ doing it. Isnt this what the books are recommending, find your passion and use it to make a living? hehe...

------------------------------
At this point of time in my life, it feels like showers of spring after a drought... now the seeds area growing into young plants and soon there will be flowers and fruits everywhere... and I thank the Lord of creation... for the miracles he has blessed me with.

Cars and buses

2006-09-28T15:42:00.000+08:00

it was such a long drive from tampines to jln dermawan... at 12 am, my eyes were struggling to stay open n focus on the road. quite dangerous now that i think of it, on a few occasions i had veered out of my lane, thank God there was no car beside mine. the Matrix is back with its rightful owner now - and i have been rendered car-less (well at least when my mum is using her car). will be taking public transport to work for the next few weeks... (and keeping my slender smooth fingees crossed that COE wil drop in the coming round of bidding).

so today i had to go back to office for a dept meeting, and took the bus from my office to boon lay, then boon lay to cck. as i tapped my transitlink card at the entrance, this strange feeling of nostalgia hit me... and i wondered why i was so unwilling to take the bus n MRT, the reliable, economic mode of transport i had been using for the 4 months i worked at that hospital in the west.

it's just because i m used to driving now. taking less than an hour to travel to anywhere in singapore seems such a breeze, i had taken driving for granted. i had forgotten how driving is a luxury that some people can never be able to afford, and here i am, asking for a car as if i deserved it. it's almost shameful. materialism has corrupted me and much as i hate to admit it, my frequent mixing around with car-owners has made me underestimate the heavy burden of owning a car - cos i m so accustomed to driving one without owning one.

horrors, i have become the spoilt materialistic bitch :(

Falling... falling... fall...

2006-09-28T01:49:00.000+08:00

against the best of my efforts to remain sane and in control... i think i'm falling
if i can be honest, i hate this feeling
i feel so vulnerable n so afraid
it's not supposed to b so fast!
it's all supposed to b happening according to my defined timing n sequence
everything feels like it's spinning out of control
what hope of happily ever after could possibly come out of 3 miserable weeks?
i m so afraid...
so afraid of being hurt and abandoned...
so afraid of crying in the dark
so afraid that the beautiful memories i have now wil soon become painful ones i force myself to forget
so afraid i eventually have to again feel knives going thru my heart when i have to delete pictures from my computer that we took together
fear grips my heart
at such a time when i shd b rejoicing n basking in sweet surrender to bliss
my heart is gripped with crippling fear...

i am so so scared

Smitten

2006-09-27T01:09:00.000+08:00

it's amazing how fast things can happen over a short 3 weeks. i wonder if it is possible to conclude within 3 weeks of knowing a person, that he/she is the love of one's life? how it can happen eludes me, but i m quite convinced it can happen.

i'm still trying to let go of the past, thinking all's well... until ghosts of the past caught me by surprise and made me cry myself to sleep. i'm thankful for charlie brown... who was willing to b there, with no expectations, giving me the space that i want and i need... knowing full well i have absolutely nothing to give him... regardless, he's still crazy abt me...

i used to wonder how one can find an admirer that blindly and madly smitten - what does it take? a slutty smile? a vulnerable appearance? what was it about a girl that make guys weak in the knees and accede to every of her request? i don't know... but within a matter of weeks, this weird thing is almost happening to me... well, the fact is i still don't believe it...

it feels different with him, i am completely at ease with my silly self, with my crude singlish jokes (that are hardly funny sometimes, but he laughs at them all the same). the other night he confessed to me that for a period of time, he vowed he would never get a singaporean girlfriend cos he found them sooo shallow, guess now, he can only eat his words.

in my past r/s, i've always been the giver, the oppressed one - the one accomodating to the whims n fancies of my partner... but with him, i bully, i act cute, i use emotional blackmail and he jus gives in to everything, reasonable or otherwise, as if he is incapable of saying no to me.

i'm shocked... why wud someone who spent 5 yrs in canada, lives n breathes interest rates, market performances and funds management aka the regular 30-something yrs old finance industry guy who works in middle management be possibly smitten with me? plain old shallow me with no career, no sense of current affairs, heck i'm not even decently updated with the latest hermes, LV or gucci design (as any OL would be). He puts up patiently with my lame jokes, my crude suan-ing, my mood swings... and is even willing to wait til i m ready to give him an answer...

do i sound like i HL-ing? what to do? i've always been easily impressed... but he can b so sweet... so shd i or shdnt i?

i can't... not yet... still too much baggage... from:
a single-SMS breakup...
guys who took time off from work to go home to make liangteh for me when i said my throat was scratchy,
who drive alone to kota tinggi to find out about firefly tours just becos i mentioned i always wanted to see fireflies...
who promised to leave their gf for me but left me in the lurch when crunch-time came
who promised me overseas trips next yr and asked me "why u so pessimistic?" when i said we might not even b together next yr (in the end, my prediction came true of cos)...

i know the problem lies with me, always falling for the wrong kinda guys blindly n hopelessly, forgetting to protect myself... stuck in a moment indeed... unable to return to the past, incapable of grasping the future...

mayb it's jus his misfortune to b stuck with me, who's stuck as well...

the 17 signs of falling in love

2006-09-21T12:01:00.000+08:00

17. You look at the friendster profile/picture constantly.

16. When you're on the phone with them late at nite and they hang up, you still miss then even when it was two minutes ago.

15. You read their texts and IMs over and over again.

14. You walk over really slow when you're with them.

13. You feel shy whenever you're around them.

11. When you think about them, your heart beats faster and slower at the same time.

10. You smile when you hear their voice.

9. When you look at them, you can't see the other people around you, all you see is him/her.

8. You start listening to slow songs, while thinking of them.

7. They're all you think about.

6. You get high from their scent.

5. You realize that you're always smiling to yourself when you think about them.

4. You would do anything for them or anything to see them.

3. While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time.

2. You were so busy thinking about the person, you didn't notice number 12 is missing.

1. You just scrolled up to check & are now silently laughing at yourself.

Things i want to do when I am not broke

2006-09-07T13:59:00.000+08:00

1. get a car (cars i MIGHT buy)

- Honda Civic Si

- AR 147 1.6

- Integra (second-hand one la)

2. travel (Places i wanna visit)

- Tibet

- Alaska (to see auroras n whale-watch)

- Sun Moon Lake in Taiwan

RESPECT

2006-08-31T23:39:00.000+08:00

ever come across obnoxious b******s who act as if they own the world simply because they're rich? and by rich, i mean filthy aka buy a lamboghini n pay up by cash kinda rich. i've never actually come across them in real like, tho there's a few of them who always drive by in their charging bulls... rev their engines by my office, to go next door n jus chill there... i know they're there but i've never met them face to face... until today

we had an event in the evening, and a few of them came by. u can tell from the freaky snob look on their face n the condescending look as they look at me in my uniform. it's disgusting. after some casual conversation with my colleagues n a few of those ASKs, the ASKs moved over to their fav hangout. i asked my colleagues who they r, and was told one of them is from the family that was recently featured in the top 40 richest. ok, guess that shdnt come as a shock. n my colleague commented "u know when people say, confidence come with wealth, no matter how freaking ugly or fat u r, if u're rich, u will sure be confident"

it's true, altho what those guys had was not even confidence, it was sheer arrogance. while everyone is civil when speaking to them n careful not to offend them. what they were given was not respect for their personality or for their accomplishments, it was only respect for their money - which makes me wonder if that is respect at all? or jus sheer fear... could these people have real friends then?

i really don't know. all i know is that, they seem to give me an impression that they think whatever they say holds water, simply because they r rich... i dun see myself mixing a lot with them la... dun seem to have much depth. if their self-confidence is simply built on the money they have, then heck, let them go buy themselves some friends... i'm not interested.

Cannot make it lar, brother!

2006-08-22T17:00:00.000+08:00

hi
good evening :)
hello
u workin tmr?
yes :)
i see
what u work as?
sales exec... with alfa romeo :)
that's gd
hw old is your alfa romeo?
new one?
well jus started working there... dun own one yet, urself?
orh u mean u work as alfa romeo sales exec?
i see
hahah yes! wat did u think? Haha
where is the show room?
I thinking of gg for test drive
the showroom is at teban
my getz is just 3 mths old
getz is a nice car...
how u like it so far?
hw's the FC for alfa?
abt 10-12
not many ppl buy alfa in sgp
top 2 is still toyota and hyundai
erm actually it's toyota n nissan, hyundai is 3rd or 4th i tink
nissan lost market liao
their sunny is poor in FC
only 10
or 11 the most
haha wah u noe a lot hor
aiyo many frens discuss
anyway alfa is more for the richer ones
so wont buy it also
:)
next car should be toyota
cos me family man hoho
haha ok
maybe I gg to performance motors to take a look and test drive
havent driven BMW yet
uh-huh
go there drive 1 round
once in a lifetime
haha
well no harm la...
next time I go and visit u
sure
to test the alfa romeo ok?
hw much is it?
a 147 1.6 manual is gng for 78,800
i see
but drives completely diff from korean n japs
quite ex
well power n handling and safety... i like it
hw much is impreza?
hehe not so sure, u can check the newspapers, think they had an ad
ok
thot you should know
cos customers will compare and ask u
anyway car SE is a gd line
many doing very well
:) so what do u do for a living
me poor thing
work as engineer

I had this conversationa few days ago. mind u it's a first conversation i had with this guy, someone who got my MSN contact over some online forum. i'm open to making friends la... but i thought people wud know how to b polite during a first conversation.

why wud u ask a alfa SE how much an impreza TS cost? why the freaking heavens wud i answer that question even if i had the answer to that? and why the heck wud u tell an SE u wanna go to this other marque showroom to test-drive their competitors' car? i dunno, it jus dun make sense why he says the things he says...

if all single guys out there r of this calibre, let me say a prayer to ask God to take me to heaven now

the quicksand relationship

2006-08-08T00:55:00.000+08:00

while i was jogging, i thought of something my church friend (a guy) said of me, that while i am single now, just like some of my "jiemeis" in church, having been in relationships makes me just that tiny bit more "eligible", simply because I was "desired" unlike those who have never been in one. and that set me thinking about the quicksand relationships i've been in.

are we sometimes so afraid of the stigma of not having been attached, that we, like swine who enjoy rolling around in smelly mud, go around jumping mindlessly into disastrous relationships that, obvious to everyone else (except ourselves of course), has an ice-cube's chance in hell of having a happy ending?

P was in a love-hate relationship with this guy who was much shorter than her. and while most of us thinks that the guy is not good enough for her, their love-hate relationship was on-off-on-off for more than 2 yrs (i think). and i wondered at that time, what she ever saw in him, she was better educated, taller, in every sense of the word, "better" and definitely deserves someone better! but no... she chose to stay with him, despite all the pain, hurt, tears he put her through. i gave up trying to understand what made her hold on to him, but they've moved on now... the guy's (happily?) married now, and P is (happily?) single. she kinda shudders at the mention of his name even... too bad la, bad breakups...

and then i think of me, and my "complicated" relationship. I tell everyone i'm almost over him, and that it isnt hard to go thru, but i sometimes worry. I have been so used to waiting for him, that mayb now, in my subconscious, i m still waiting for him? How am I sure that I've forgotten? again, i think too much. but again, i think it's obvious to many that my r/s is a goner, or it shd b... cos i shd b with someone better, or so they all say. but if i cant bear to block him in MSN, or change my profile in friendster to "single"? drat, i hate this side of me that looks back too much for my own good.

we're almost sado-masochistic beings, binding ourselves with handcuffs and enjoying the pain n pleasure of the moment, even tho we know... it's not healthy, and there really is something wrong. is it becos we have nothing better to hang on to? or are we just suckers aka bitches aka melodrama-addicts?

the unhappy singaporean

2006-08-03T22:46:00.000+08:00

i recall the time i spent in Cambodia... how i said the children there always appeared happier becos they had so little... whatever we gave them was an extra something that made a difference and brightened their day.

i've been spending some time with some frens n realised that they are really unhappy, a little suicidal even. saddest part is that the onli thing that is stopping them from killing themselves is that they lack the guts (or so they tell me). unhappy abt their marriage, relationship, career and what not...

being their friend, of cos i can only offer them the one little solution i have - Jesus. and somehow... it seems so hard for them to accept that something so good can b free of conditions and obligations. one even asked me, "why would God wanna help me?" sad, aint it?

in the sales line, we run into a lot of people, especially singaporeans, who do not believe some good things are given to them out of the kindness of our hearts - most will assume "if it's free or cheap, it cant b good" why not? there are even those irritating ones who has 1% knowledge of a topic, while i know abt 50%, but he thinks he knows 100%! so when i tell him something he doesnt know, he thinks i'm out to cheat him! what's up with that???

does a high price guarantee the quality of what we get in return? the unhappy singaporean is unhappy, i think, simply becos... we own too much, know too little, but think we know a lot...

Proverbs 12:15
"The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, But he who heeds counsel is wise."

but how shd i tell them that the best things in life... really do come free...

Alfa Romeo Brera in TopGear

2006-08-03T13:51:00.000+08:00

hehe youtube-ing day today... the way they describe the car is hilarious!!!

the Alfa Romeo Brera

2006-08-03T13:44:00.000+08:00

super super sexy car *drool*

gives u a high jus looking at it

Alfa Romeo 159 Sport Wagon

2006-08-03T13:40:00.000+08:00

Spot pubblicitario

the crazy alfa romeo people... i simply love this ad... so so so passionate

Love language - can you speak mine?

2006-07-30T02:04:00.000+08:00

for as long as i can remember i've learnt about love language, how it can be generally categorised into 5 types - words, touch, gifts, time and service.

it explains that while we try to express our love n affections in a certain way e.g thru touch, the recipient who does not share the love language of "touch" will not see that gesture as affection. a gf whose love language is time, will not see her bf's showering of gifts as him expressing his affection but rather him being wasteful and spendthrift.

as i observe more n more couples, i realize the idea behind this is correct, but the theory is really too general. more specifically, it is true that we all have different ways of expressing out love, but the saddest thing is when we try out very best to love a person in the way we know how, it just is not good enough for him/her becos he/she fails to "feel" or interpret it as our love. it is just sad. i have a fren Z, who's recently run into some trouble with his partner. Z is the kinda person who really believes in the noble kinda love i.e. if he loves someone, he will give her the freedom to do whatever she wants, even at his expense. he doesnt tell her not to do it, even if he thinks she shdnt, just becos he feels she shd b given the freedom to decide for herself. this gesture of his however, was interpreted as nonchalance, simply becos he doesnt impose or make his "hurt" feelings known.

it's strange, some gals prefer their partner b a little MCP or tell them what to do... maybe it gives them a sense of security or being protected. while some just want to be left alone to exercise the right to freedom.

a relationship shd be one where there is interaction of body, soul and spirit. body - physical attraction, soul - emotional connection aka chemistry and spirit - aka somewhat supernatural harmony. the inability to connect on any of these 3 levels spells trouble for a couple. and i do not believe in congruence at these 3 levels immediately as a r/s begins, neither is there an end to finding that meeting pt along these dimensions. but one connection does not represent an eternal connection. conscious effort must be made to keep the flame burning. and that i feel is the greatest challenge.

wud love to write more but i reali n damn sleepy n i nid to wake up at 7 to go for practice.

and i do hope for those of u out there... work on it, how to love him/her in the way he/she wants... cos he/she's the one u love, not urself. some might not agree with me, but to me, it's more important to love a person the way he wants to be loved, than to love him the way i know how to.

freedom and singlehood

2006-07-28T22:39:00.000+08:00

...for more than a week now ... i m still not sure how i feel. very glad that i'm handling the break a lot better than i expected. compared to the last time i broke up, i cried so so much and was so depressed, my immune system took a major downturn that broke me out in hives all over, my GP was very concerned about my stress level then... this time I'm definitely handling it ALOT better... but then again it makes me wonder, if it's so easy to get over, was it love, or was it just companionship out of convenience. but i think too much la

wouldnt it be sad if we wake up one day to realise we're in or holding onto a relationship out of necessity, fear or worse, out of habit? whatever happened to sincere and simple love and adoration for our partners? how can something so pure n true degenerate to anything less? i know of couples who dunt hold hands when they go out, who no longer tell each other "I love u", who can't truthfully say each other who they've been out with...

it's easy to say staying in love is a choice, but anyone who tried it will know the task is daunting - no less.

it's my last day at the hospital today. 4 months no less, and i've learnt a lot. if not for this job offer that came after months of applications to similar positions, i wud have stayed on. i joined here with the idea that i wanted to hone my organization and coordination skills. the place is so freaking big, pity it lacks structure. but i've met people who have been very kind to me - who were patiently bearing with my tardiness and "crude-ness" so to speak. I'm grateful that God has placed me in this place to learn and hone my people skills instead. i wouldnt say that my EQ has improved tremendously but at least now i am consciously incompetent, one step up from being unconciously incompetent. now i need to make sure the learning goes up, not down

if not for this job, i wouldnt have experienced working in a typical "civil service" environment, wouldnt have known i'm not suited for this either. if i had never tried, i would have been forever wondering what it could have been like. so i'm happy to have tried. mayb it is because my family's finances are pretty comfortable, it gives me a chance to try my hands at different jobs with much freedom - without having to make my family starve if i stopped working for afew months. it's a bit like relationships maybe, one has got to kiss enough frogs (yuck!!) before finding a prince.

ah-cek (good guy fren of mine) says it takes courage to go into relationships the way i do, and that what i gather is experience. if i were brutally frank, the only reason that i started them is fear of loneliness. that void feeling i get when i hear a beautiful tune or watch a beautiful sunrise and realising there wasnt anyone beside me to share it with me.

ironically, i stil couldnt find someone to share those moments with me, even when i had a bf. so it's not just a matter of someone to fill the void, but waiting for the right jigsaw piece to appear. and like june says, it's not abt searching for the right one, might I add neither is it about being the right one. but more aptly, it is patiently waiting without panicking n grabbing the wrong one. be it a job, a bf or even a car.

fear cripples our ability to make wise decisions. and time and again i come back to this fact, that only perfect love can overcome all fear

moving on...

2006-07-23T16:06:00.000+08:00

friends commented this time round, i'm taking things a lot better. This time is very different from the last I guess.

This time, i myself had contemplated ending it, but being soft-hearted and sentimental as i am... i didnt do it. so mayb now things r actually just turning out the way they should be. where we're both free to pursue what we really seek in life. painful and sad no doubt, but what's important is the journey, not the destination. No matter what, however "she bu de" i feel, I just keep telling myself to look forward.

why is it so different this time? i dunno, mayb it's cos we dun spend an awful lot of time together in the first place. jus weekends for 9 months, i dunno how much it adds up in real days. to be fair, i think he did make efforts... mayb, like his sis said, "mayb it's bad timing". maybe... but nothing else to be done.

it feels bad to break up over sms. a bitter aftertaste, i feel almost embarassed to tell others how it's ended. it kinda reflects badly on my judgement of people... i was actually in love with a guy who ended things with me over 1 sms... not a few, not a phonecall... ONE sms... so what was there to hold on anymore leh? nothing... simply nothing... muff n kona, scold a few **#$^*(&#^$ for me! wahahhaha

after the boyfriends n breakups, friends really r the ones who stay true to support me. thank God for friends, and for the fact that the emotional involvement in my last relationship hasnt been that strong, so hopefully it wil b pretty easy to get over.

back to square 1 now... jus me... single again... free again... lonely again perhaps... couple of weeks ago, i asked God if this is his will for me... so i guess this is His answer for me

sighz...

Seasons

2006-07-21T00:33:00.000+08:00

a season goes... another season wil come...
if only pain is a stage we can fast forward after loss
i jus hope this will all go away fast
that there is some kinda magic tissue paper that can stop the tears from flowing
some kinda magic eyeshadow to stop the puffy eyes
some kinda magic lipstick to put a smile on my face
i asked why, there was no answer
i tried, there seemed no hope...
nothing left to do now...
but to say goodbye
dun ask... pls dun ask, if i didnt tell u... i jus wanna heal fast... it's too painful to relive again n again

No light

2006-07-02T01:01:00.000+08:00

when i was in JC, i liked taking long bus rides. there was one occasion i wanted to go to bukit batok from SAJC. the most straightforward 40-min route would have been to take bus 97 to Jurong East MRT and take a train to Bukit Batok. but i waited very long at the bus stop and bus 61 came. I saw the route display n learnt bus 61 terminates at bukit batok, so i thought wat the heck. i'll jus take bus 61, not knowing bus 61 detours to soooo many places, it took me 1 and a half hours to reach bukit batok. by the time i reached the terminal i was so car-sick and tired, i vomitted. all this just cos i did not wait for the bus i was supposed to take, and took the bus that came first.

ever wondered how things might have turned out if u had waited for something that u were supposed to? i wonder maybe a little more often than i should... would it have been worth holding out for the person whom i thought was the "One". it doesnt help that now he's still someone i run to for some sympathetic ears and encouragement. it jus makes me wonder... (not regret, just wonder)... should i have waited? no, i tell myself no... it's not that i didnt wait, it's just that i gave up the wait... some things just don't happen no matter how long i wait. this is not the first time i've had this thought, it could be another case of "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. so that cliche could be true, mayb friendship is a much more precious relationship to have, hold and cherish than a romantic relationship - less committal but also less destructible, more tolerant, less selfish. or am i just kidding myself?

the unknown and undiscovered is perpetually shrouded by a beautiful veil of mystery that keeps me lingering n longing. the tragic of knowing that some possibilities never become reality leaves not only traces of sadness but traces of peace, becos i know the love of a partner might turn sour, but the love of a good friend will always be here. at least for as long as he is single i guess. it's much easier to embrace hope, regardless of how futile that hopeful wait might be.

it was easier choosing someone who loved me, and give up waiting for someone i wanted to love. it was an easier decision to make then, but is it an easier decision to stick with? why am i asking myself this qn time n again? since i always derive at the same answer; if i had not given up waiting then, i probably would still be waiting till now with no light at the end of the tunnel... sighz

no whining

2006-06-29T23:25:00.000+08:00

beware of ur thoughts, they become words.
beware of ur words, they become actions
beware of ur actions, they become habits
beware of ur habits, they become character
beware of ur character, they become destiny

what wise words... was chatting with a fren over MSN, reminding her that her destiny is in her hands, she wasnt happy with the way she is being treated. and i had the cheek to tell her it is her who decides how she wants to be treated. feel it's quite strange to hear this coming from me... i have an irrational fear of my boss.a vicious cycle i t had become, the more she scolds me, the less confident i feel abit myself, the more i dunno how to defend myself, the more lowly she thinks of me and the more she scolds me. i know it's not her, becos she can b the bitch she is, but the problem reali lies with me and my lack of emotional intelligence and self-confidence.

this is killing my spirit, taking away my joy... no it's not worth it, tho i thank God it wun b long before i escape her clutches. but it is true, i shd decide how i want to be treated, and nvr allow anyone to cause me to doubt myself. especially not by someone with no respect with those she works with.

it's always been like this, i feel bad about myself for being a pushover, and hate myself... and hate myself for hating myself... it's become a habit for me, must not let it become my character n destiny.

change is not easy, especially when it's become a habit. it's like walking round n round in a circle for so long that i've left a track very very easy for me to follow. walking with my head looking down at that track n jus following, yet hoping to walk out of this one day. something's got to change, i've got to turn my sight on somewhere else. foolishness is doing the same thing, expecting different results. i've unconciously built a wall to trap myself in, but i shd b able to walk out of it as easily as i walked into it. it's all about managing my thoughts... and letting logic take control, be it an unexplanable fear, and crazy obsession or even jus silly blind infatuation - walking out of it wud only make me stronger.

end of the day, it is me who decides what life i live... and a whiner i shall not become!

NO whining

2006-06-29T22:52:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday to me..

2006-06-22T23:49:00.000+08:00

is it time to recount what i have accomplished in this past yr? i try to recall and i don't know what to say.

i feel like a hatchling from one of thousands of turtle eggs laid on a kuantan beach. i hatched the same time as my sibling but while they headed straight for the sea, something in me set me in a direction different from theirs... a year past, and i finally decided it was time for to head for sea like the others, but i find myself heading in the same direction as a group who looks the same as me, but smaller, of cos they r... they r a yr younger than me... so being bigger than them makes me a bigger target, an easier target... like them i have not seen the sea before, but somehow because i m older, i m expected to be a better survivor than them...

makes me wonder if i shd b regretting not setting in that direction when i was born, was it wrong for me to be different? is it wrong for me to choose this path now? i don't know... and i can't tell for sure, but i am not one who lives with regret... i m just contented with whatever that comes my way, cos i still believe that is the only way to live...

28 yrs... and maybe i m not doing as well as i shd be, or r there areas i m doing better that i have not yet realised? nevertheless i m thankful, for the well-wishes, for the One who loves me and for the one who loves me... i'm still just a girl, who believes in love...